Food for Thought...

Last night, I was reading The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge and Brent Curtis and found something I wanted to share. They were referring to2 Kings 6 in which Elisha, a prophet being used by God to protect the Israelites from the Arameans, helped his servant see the power of God. Elisha would send word to the king of Israel to let him know of the coming attacks or plans the king of Aram had laid out. The enemy became frustrated with Elisha and decided to go after him. At night they surrounded the city that Elisha was staying in with the plan to attack. Elisha's servant had woken up the next morning to see the chariots and horses surrounding the city and was terrified. He asked Elisha what they should do for he feared for their lives. Elisha told him not to fear because those who were with them outnumbered those surrounding the city. He then prayed that God would open the servant's eyes so that he could see just what Elisha meant. When the servant opened his eyes, he saw all the horses and chariots of fire surrounding them for their protection.
Talk about a confidence booster! I can't imagine how scared this servant must have been when he looked out and saw all these men coming to seize his master, and probably him. And, Elisha didn't freak out. Instead, he had  faith that God would protect them and asked that God show himself to his servant. God chose to allow the servant to see what Elisha knew to be true. The servant must have felt a huge weight be taken off of his heart when he saw all those reinforcements.
Often times I feel like I am being buried by certain things within my life, and I cannot find an escape. The outcome appears to be so grim, and rarely do I ask God to show me what he has planned. I find that when put in those situations, I automatically do two things. One, I begin to frantically search for a way that I can fix the situation, and two, I begin to assume the worst. I allow myself to feel the weight that fear or worry has placed upon my heart, and I collapse under it. Instead of giving in to the overwhelming gloom, I need to ask God to open my eyes to see how he will bring me through this- see the hedge of protection he has placed around me. I often doubt that God would be interested in doing such a thing for me, but how do I really know if I don't ever ask him to? I am blinded by my own pride in fixing the situation that not only do I worsen the issue, but I also do not allow myself to remember just how capable and powerful God really is. Sure, he can choose to not reveal his plans to me for that particular situation, and if that's the case, then it's for my best interest. But until I ask, I will never know.
God isn't out to hide himself from us, and he certainly isn't out to appear less than what he really is. He wants to do things for us to show us how much he loves us. He wants to protect us and remind us of how much he truly cares for us individually. But, how are we to accept such a thing if we aren't willing to open our eyes and really see what he is capable of doing?

He Likes the Details

I often get impatient waiting for things to happen. I like to have things done in a timely manner (preferably my timely manner), and I don't like to wait for things that I assume can be simply done. Two Sundays ago my pastor was talking about the events leading up to the death of Christ. He mentioned that people who are crucified are typically buried in a slave's grave. You might think, okay... and your point is? My point is that a slave's grave wasn't one grave for one person. It was basically a big hole that they piled the bodies into and left uncovered. Think about that for a second. If Jesus were to be buried there, the events would have been a lot different. But, God wasn't just thinking about having Jesus die and then be resurrected. He was thinking about how Jesus would come to this earth, who he would be born to, and how many times people would try to kill him (and not succeed). He planned out how things would lead up to the crucifixion, who would be there, who would turn away, and who would be hanging on the two crosses next to him. He thought about and carefully orchestrated how long it would take Jesus to die, that his bones would remain unbroken, and that a wealthy man with connections would just so happen to have a beautiful tomb in the garden. He carefully chose who would come to the tomb first to find that Christ was no longer there.
Details are important to him. You might think that the details of the resurrection story had to be carefully planned out and thought of, but the details of our life are just as important. I've been planning my Kenya trip for almost three months now. I love details, so I have been perfectly aware of what needs to be done to get me closer to that plane ride in June. Realizing that God is just as concerned about the details, if not more so, is quite comforting. I knew that I would need to raise money, but he knew just how much I would get when. He knew that I would need to get shots, and he knew just how much money they would cost.
Not only has he taken care of those details for my trip, but he has also taken care of the little details regarding moving down here, finding a job, being close to friends, and the list can go on. He knows how this day will affect tomorrow for me. He knows what the next few months will hold for me, and he knows just what needs to take place to get me there. I get frustrated when things don't go the way I think they should, but if I were in control, I would probably forget some little detail and who knows what that would mess up. He also knows how the details of my life affect another person's. I have no way of knowing how my life will affect someone else's.
I sit here typing while Lil Man is playing on the floor, and I can't help but think about how my interactions will influence his life and the life of his sister. How will my attitude toward something shape their world? Will I make a lasting impression on them? Most likely, yes, and I want it to be a good one. They may not remember me three years down the road, but how I react to them today may have an affect on them then. Call me crazy, but that's a lot of pressure! I'm thankful there is someone much bigger and more knowledgeable than me to take care of things, including the minute details of individual lives.
To him, no detail is too trivial.

Beautiful Waters

I have come to see the beach as my favorite place to be. The way the waves wash up against the sand or splash up against the piers is slightly mesmerizing to me. I love to walk along the water's edge tempting, in a way, the water to splash up on my feet. The way the sand goes back to how it once was after you stop on it amuses me. My favorite time to walk is at night. The sky is dark, the stars are out, and the world seems peaceful as the water rhythmically pushes up against the sand. It's almost like a whole different world at night.
This past weekend I was able to go to the beach with some friends. We were at Myrtle Beach and the night life was just getting started, but down by the water's edge it was as if not another soul existed. Something about the dark sky, salty smell, cool water, and rough sand just makes me pause for a second and just exist. It's the one place that makes me just be still for a few minutes. My heart feels at ease, my minds loosens it's grip on the duties of my life, and I allow myself to just take in the moment and just embrace the beauty of the ocean.
It's so vast and at night it seems so ominous yet inviting. The thought of not knowing what might be lurking in the waters in front of me sends a chill up my spine as I stare out. The mystery intrigues me and with each tumbling wave I find my gaze being held longer. There's something magical about the ocean, and I love how it draws me in.

Mondays

You know it's going to be a long day when you just can't seem to drag yourself out of bed. When the world seems to be overwhelming and the covers over your head (or the feel of your plush pillow) seem to keep the activities of the day behind closed doors. That was my morning. My alarm went off, and all I wanted to do was close my eyes and dream away the day. But, we all know that didn't happen because here I am. The snooze alarm went off (for the second time), and I dragged myself out of bed. The thought of two kids with runny noses, coughs, one tooth attempting to pop through, and the after affects of a fun filled Easter weekend didn't exactly inspire me to move more quickly.
As I got ready for my day and headed out the door, I began to plan what our day would hold. Maybe a nice long walk to the playground or a trip to the nearby science center or even a some finger painting outside. These thoughts crossed my mind at eight o'clock this morning, and by nine-thirty, I knew the day would not match up to my expectations.
The affects of teething had begun to wreak havoc on the little guy, and the normal adjustments to Mondays had begun to show their true colors in my sweet little Miss Magee. Instead of off to the park for some exercise, it was off to the grocery store to fill the very empty fridge and pantry. And, instead of a quick trip which would leave time for outside play, it was double the normal time and filled with tears. Miss Magee tripped and scraped her knee and it was all down hill from there. Her cries ignited his cries which opened up the flood gates of snot and tears. I was bound and determined to get the groceries we needed. I asked a clerk for a bandage which only made the cries worse but stopped the blood from getting all over. I grabbed the food we needed, eased some cries with a free strawberry and offered up my purse for some entertainment while grabbing the rest of the food.
Needless to say, it was a long trip, but I couldn't help but laugh through it all. By the time we got home it was time for lunch and naps. The silence which usually allows me to regain composure, clean the house, and get some homework done is currently being broken as I write. I suppose it's time to resume my nannying responsibilities. Oh how I love Mondays....

It's the Little Things...

It doesn't take much to make me happy, and it takes a lot to make me angry. I try to always have a smile on my face and find that even things like...

a new shower curtain and bath rug (both on clearance!) can make a chaotic and stressful day seem blissful. *Sighs* It's the simple things in life! : )

100 Miles a Minute

Oh how I love the way my mind gets the best of me. I should really be sleeping right now. About 20 minutes ago, my mind was like jello but my body was full of energy. Unfortunately the roles have reversed within those 20 minutes and now my body desperately wishes my mind would invest in a chill pill.
I just feel like I need to take a step back from everything and do something relaxing, but one full time job (which is more like two since the job entails outsmarting a 2 year old and managing to remain sane while her 8 month old brother is demanding your attention) and two part time jobs don't really allow for relaxation. By the time I get home on the days from nannying I am ready to sit and zone but my brain is constantly reminding me of all the things I have yet to do. Occasionally, I allow myself to veg for a bit while watching a movie, but typically that movie is simply on for background noise while I do other things.
There are some things that I need to just figure out. Things that deal with school and work which inevitably involves money are on the forefront of my mind, on top of some other things. My mind is going 100 miles a minute and there isn't a single red light or stop sign for miles ahead (even a yellow light would be nice).
I am so thankful that tomorrow is Wednesday... one day closer to the weekend which means one day closer to the end of the month which hopefully means one day closer to me figuring things out!

Carpe Diem...

Everyone has a past, is living in the present, and will have a future. The difference between these three things is that the past cannot be changed, the present is affected by the past, and the future can be planned out but will inevitably change. The past remains the past, the present morphs into the past, and the future becomes the present only to allow a new future a chance to shine. No matter how hard a person tries, the only thing certain about the future is how uncertain it truly is. Nothing in this life is set in stone. Things can change faster than the blink of an eye without warning and no amount of planning can prepare you for what that change may bring. 

Planning is a way to help ease the stress of the unknown for me. Don't get me wrong, I like a certain level of surprise, but typically I want to at least plan on having something take me by surprise and make me re-evaluate my current plan. 

My life is something that I don't enjoy gambling with. No one knows what the future may hold or how much of a future there really is. It all may come to an end within a few seconds of me finishing this sentence. (Obviously not since I am still typing, but you get the point). Life is short. I learned through a painful experience that our days are numbered here on earth, and there is no way of knowing when that last day will come. No one can ever truly plan for such a thing. This weekend marks a special day in my family's life. It's one of two days that remind us of just how special life is, and how important it is to live out life to the fullest. There will be tears of sadness shed and laughter shared throughout the family; all done in remembrance of a life that blessed us all. Lace, the vibrant, beautiful, fun-loving, kind hearted, and gentle spirited girl was born the seventeenth of April and the world was never the same. She, I'm sure, was unaware of just how many people she touched throughout the eighteen years she walked on this earth. Her smile and laughter were contagious, and there are so many other attributes of her that influenced the lives of people she encountered. Lace didn't know when her last day on earth would be, just like none of us do. I'm sure she had dreams of what her future would be and lists of things she wanted to accomplish. And though she was taken from this earth far too soon in our eyes, it was just the right time in His eyes. 

God was fully aware of the decisions, plans, and mistakes that she would make. He knew the number of days she would walk on this earth, and the things she would accomplish by simply existing. He knew that adventurous spirit would spark life into a friend or that her infectious smile would shed light onto a stranger's dark day. He knew that her family would truly miss her and wish she were here with us still. He knew that I would be sitting here tonight thinking about her life and how so many people were affected by her death. He knew that I would be at a loss for words sometimes while driving simply because I saw her name in my back window. He knew that it would hurt so much that the tears would be unstoppable, and he knew that anger would rise and fall. He knew that life and it's fairness would be questioned as well as his sovereignty. He knew that people would be drawn closer together because love and support would be what helped ease the pain. 

I do not know or understand why people are taken at such a young age. Losing a loved one never gets easier, no matter how young or old, sick or healthy, sweet or bitter. I don't know why one minute the pain seems non-existent and then the next feel unbearable. I cannot explain why things happen or why they influence us all differently. But, I do know that everything that takes place in this decaying and twisted world is not accomplished without his knowing. I do know that He is not out to get a single person, and I also know that when we feel as though God is trying to ruin us, it's really our selfishness that put us into that predicament. I do know that those who are willing to give up control on their life are more capable of attempting to understand the more complicated and painful things of life. I do know that once you choose to relinquish all control to him that things appear different. I do know that once you place your faith and trust in Him he will not allow anything to remove you from his protection. I do know that he is not a God who has taken a step back to enjoy the view of us all hurting and hating. I do know that he is still active in this present age and that people can feel his peace and presence in their life. And, I do know that all things are done and allowed to take place in order to bring him glory-to bring him praise. 

I do know that he loves each and every one of us on this earth and so desperately longs for each and every one of his creation to trust in him and love him with their whole heart. I do know that he placed Lace on this earth for those eighteen years for a specific reason and though we may not know that specific reason, we can know that his plans for her were accomplished. 

It's hard for me to look into the future and plan. I use to have it all planned out to a "T." I had thought of everything, but I now realize that all that planning is just a waste of time. I have no idea where I will be in 20 years, let alone 20 seconds. It is only by God's grace that I was born, and it is by that same grace that I am still living. Life is far more precious than we all realize, and it is not something that we should waste by placing focus on setting plans for a future that may very well change in the blink of an eye. Count every breath as a gift and view every second as an opportunity to make a difference.

Live in the moment. Love beyond words. Embrace every breath. Cherish every second. 

Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, Lace. Love and miss you...

Storms Can Bring on a Change

I love storms, at least those of the physical sense with rain, thunder, lightning, etc. The other kind of storms that we all face are a little more difficult to love. No one likes to be pulled in different directions by different things or feel the stress of finances and other things going on in our lives. Those things aren't enjoyable.
This week, I went through two different storms. One was on Monday night and left my home severely affected. We had four trees down all around my apartment and then many other trees down in the surrounding area. Power was lost for close to three days, and I just got my internet back.

This is just two of the tree down (the ones that cut the power).

Like I said, I love storms, but when there is a tornado warning or watch, I get very worried. Tornadoes are one form of weather that I am terrified of simply because I don't know it's coming until it's here and then it's just a waiting game. I was woken up at 3am to the sound of something flying against my window and winds whipping outside. The lightning and thunder were nonstop. It was a storm I had never been through before, and I was scared. So, I called my mom (who is 600 miles away) for support. Looking at the damage in the morning was crazy. The two trees above missed all the cars parked there, and even though they fell on many wires and there were sparks and pops, no fires broke out. The other tree that fell in the front yard fell to the left. Had it fallen another way, it would have been in my bedroom. Another tree would have also been down on my apartment had it not been for the tree branches of the neighboring tree stopping it. God's hand was definitely protecting my home, and I am so thankful for that.

One of the good things about storms and rain is that things always seem more vibrant. Some things are damaged beyond repair and other things are made stronger from the winds. I took a walk in my park the next day following the storm and the flowers were out and smelled great. 

I was reminded of how much I miss lilacs

To Finish or To Change?

I love having lists. I make grocery lists but not just in general. I break it down into smaller lists for each store. Then I make to-do lists, menu lists, kid activity lists, income lists, expense lists, mailing lists, and those are just a few that I can think of right now. About two minutes ago, I made a list of what meals to cook when my parents come to visit me, and that means there is a grocery list soon to be made. These documents of what I need help me feel organized, and checking things off of them help me feel accomplished. Once a task is finished, a feeling of relief slips off my shoulders and helps me breathe for a few seconds before the world of stress comes back to hassle me.

The down side of this list habit is that I have a tendency to put things to do that don't deserve to be checked off. I am referring to things we should do or should want to do daily. Things that should come as second nature to us. For me, it's reading my bible and spending time in prayer conversing with my God and Savior. For as long as I can remember I have struggled with viewing these two very important things as just another thing to do before the day is over, and if I don't get to it, there's always tomorrow. What if that is how God viewed me? What if he just saw another thing to check off the list? What if he heard my cries and put it on a "to-do list" and viewed it as something that wasn't a priority and could wait until tomorrow? It would only be fair for him to view me as this because it's how I view him. He deserves so much more what I have to offer. I forget things and procrastinate and put other things before him. 

I have been working on how I view my devotions and prayer time. I want it to be something that I long to do every morning. I want to look forward to spending time with my Father and Friend. There are days when I have no problem sitting down and learning from him through his word, but there are other days that I just don't want to. I don't want to take the time out of my busy day to sit. I don't want to read the words that my Father has written to me because I know that they will touch my heart and sometimes that's hard to swallow. I need to make that decision to daily read his letters to me and talk with him about what I discover in them, not so that I can check it off my list of things to do, but because I want to change. His word is alive and capable of softening the hardest of hearts. His word is powerful and full of truth and insight. It's more than just a book of stories; it's a book full of life lessons, help, truth, comfort and encouragement. It teaches us how to better love others and live this life to the fullest. 

For the word of the God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12