Be Still...Let Go

Have you ever been told to just be still and allow yourself to hear what God was saying to you? I have been told that many times. I have always attempted to do so. I would pray or try to read some passages in the bible to calm myself and help me focus on God. I never thought about it meaning "let go." I have heard of the statement "Let go and let God" but have never put the two concepts together. I heard today that to be still is to let go of your concerns and things that are holding you back to fully following God.
I like that way of doing things a lot more than just being still or letting go. I think when you merge the two, the outcome is much more likely to be a positive one.

Kids and schedules

Sometimes I wish kids weren't so sweet. I have the privilege of being the nanny for two precious kids. They are both very sweet and kind natured. The youngest one is a little love bug. He enjoys the snuggles and hugs. But, at times (like today at nap time) I really wish he just wasn't so sweet and lovable. Things would be so much easier if he would just go to sleep like he usually does. But, the last couple of days he has decided that he is going to just lay in his crib and cry and talk and cry some more until I get him. No amount of reinserting the pacifier will soothe him. I think, hmmm... maybe it's gas. So, I pick him up and rock/bounce him, and what does he do? Laugh! He thinks it's funny, and as much as I want to look at him and tell him, No, it's not funny. You need to sleep! The more he smiles and melts my heart.
 So, obviously it has become a game to him (one that I am not willing to lose at). I typically would allow him to cry himself to sleep, but his crying has been getting louder which means his big sister wakes up from her nap and all -excuse my French- hell breaks loose!
So, after two and a half hours of this with him, I finally said ok, fine, if you want to be awake then you are going to have to play. I'm not holding you (thinking this would work since he wanted to be in my arms rather than bed). Well, guess who was proven wrong?! Yep, me! He is perfectly content playing, without me, instead of sleeping. Not cool!
I have realized that his schedule was slightly out of the ordinary these past few days. Instead of the usual errands in the morning, half hour morning nap, play, lunch, nap, it's been errands, go to a play date or museum, half hour morning nap, more play date/museum, lunch, then nap. I think I have created a "schedule snob!" Now, there is nothing wrong with that, to an extent. I am by no means a strict schedule person, especially when it comes to kids, but with the way things always work out during the day, we have a pretty set routine for each day. Apparently, he doesn't enjoy messing that up!
He makes me think about myself and how I don't like being taken out of things that I have actually planned. If there is something planned with a group of people or friends, I look forward to it. When that event or meeting gets cancelled, no matter what the reason, it throws me for a loop and the rest of my day is yucky because of it. A few years ago I learned the importance of being more "care-free." I think it's important to be able to roll with the punches from day to day. Having a schedule is good, but it should be more of a guideline rather than a strict budget of time.
Now that I have remembered this, I guess it's time for me to teach the little guy the importance of rolling with it!

Song for the Moment

I have found a song that so perfectly summarized my life right now (and probably for many years to come). If you choose to read the lyrics I have left below, take time to think about the words. If you choose not to, then I suggest looking it up and listening to it.
Change in the Making by Addison Road....

There's a better version of me that I can't quite see.
But things are gonna change.
Right now I'm a total mess and right now I'm completely incomplete.
But things are gonna change cause you're not through with me yet.
This is redemption's story.
With every step that I am taking every day, you're chipping away what I don't need.
This is me under construction.
This is my pride being broken, and every day I'm closer to who I'm meant to be.
I am a change in the making.
Wish I could live more patiently
Wish I could give a little more of me without stopping to think twice
Wish I had faith like a little child
Wish I could walk a single mile without tripping on my own feet,
But you're not through with me yet.
From the dawn of history you make new and you redeem
From a broken world to a broken heart you finish what you start in everything
Like a river rolls into the sea
We're not who we're going to be, but things are going to change
I am living a redemption's story with every step that I am taking
Every day, you're chipping away what I don't need
This is me under construction
This is my pride being broken
And every day I'm closer to who I'm meant to be
I am a change in the making
I am not who I am gonna be
Moving closer to your glory

Walking Away

I have been struggling with letting go and letting God. Today has been a rough day. I attempted to leap through doors that God decided to close. And, to be honest with you, it hurts! I find myself expecting God to just allow the door that I choose to be open and be the correct one. I am trying to mold the story he is writing into the way I think it should be written. My stubbornness is killing me. I need to learn to walk away when he shuts the door rather than trying to break it open myself. Today alone I have seen one door slam shut and the other slowly shut. Just when I think that I have finally come to an open door, God decides to test my faith in him and close it (at least that's how I view it right now). I found myself melting today at work because I just felt so overwhelmed by it all. I like to have plans and know what is going to happen. I don't like just going with the flow when it comes to important things like health, finances, school, and, did I mention, finances? When it comes to money, some would say I am quite stingy, but I like to say I'm conservative (very conservative).

I think God is in the process of teaching me to rely on him for support rather than my bank account. I don't deal well with not knowing what will happen next, and He definitely knows that. I am so thankful that he knows what will be the outcome of all this. I should be more comforted by the fact that he is in control of everything and will not steer me off the path. Often times I find myself thinking that God is out to teach me a lesson in a revengeful sort of way, but that's not the case at all. He allows things to happen so that I may learn something and grow more dependent on him.

Is He Enough?

Well, he should be. The correct answer would be yes, he is all I need. The real answer is less enthusiastic. I am more ashamed to admit that the Creator of all that is before my eyes is not enough for me. He does not satisfy me the way I think he should. Actually, I don’t allow him to satisfy me the way he can. A friend posted on her facebook status “God is more than _____?” The idea was to fill in the blank with what you thought God was more than. God is more than I can ever imagine. He is more than enough for me. He is more than the challenges that I face each day. He is more than I will ever be. He is more than any other guy ever will be. He is more than the sunrise and sunset. He is more than the most beautiful butterfly or intricate flower. He is more than the most inspiring song or poem. He is more than just someone who created me. He is the creator of all that is in this world. He is the author of my life story. He is the perfect writer for he makes no mistakes and does not need to proofread or edit his work. He is the orchestrator of my life, including my love life. He is more than just God. He is my Father, Comforter, Rock, Lord, Savior, Friend, Lover, Companion, and Teacher. There is nothing on this world that will surprise him which means he is never caught off guard by things I ignorantly choose to do.

I feel disgust when I begin to think about how much I try to stuff God into a tiny little box that can morph into whatever I need it to be at the present moment. I can tell you all the things that God should mean to me, but sadly I say I believe all those things more than I live it out.
I am reading the book “Guys Like Girls Named Jennie” by Kerri Pomarolli. Kerri is a woman who has had her fair share of “fairy tale love stories.” She’s a comedian so her book is an easy read and easy to relate to. She doesn’t sugar coat things which is nice, but she doesn’t come across as condemning. She is very honest about her past and the things that she learned from each decision she made. I think I like her so much because she is so open to what her story is. Many times we like to sprinkle our stories with nice “Christian” lingo to make it sound more pleasing and acceptable, but, in a way, that’s a lie. Kerri’s honesty is rather refreshing to me. Throughout the book, she talks about how her dating adventures, for as long as she can remember, were done in search of validation. She was in search of acceptance and love from boys and desired to feel validated. In one of her chapters, Kerri recaps the moment she realized she needed to stop searching for human validation because it would never be enough. She begins to explain the moment she realized that God thinks she is beautiful, no matter what. He thinks she is beautiful with breakouts on her face and messed up hair. He sees her from the inside out and loves what he sees.
I have always known that God thinks that I am beautiful, but part of me always rebutted that statement with the fact that I am his creation so he’s suppose to say that. But, in all reality, he doesn’t have to think that. If it weren’t for his Son who has washed away my filth, all he would see is the wretched sinner that I am. He would see my imperfections, but because of his grace and love, all those horrible things are gone. I am a new, clean, beautiful woman whom he loves and adores more than anything on this earth. Sad thing is, I question, “Is that enough for me?” It’s awful to say, I know, but it’s the very question running through my mind. I want to say that it is all I need, but I still have that desire to be validated by some human.  What will it take for me to be truly content and satisfied with myself in him? What do I need to do to move past this? What’s the answer you say? I need to simply accept that I do not need to be perfect for an imperfect man. I do not need to prove myself worthy of anyone because I am seen as worthy by the only man who can satisfy the quench within my soul. Jesus, the lover of my soul, sees me as beautiful, and he is never going to give up on me. He will never leave me!
That, is enough; what more can I ask for?

Why?

There are so many things in life that I question. Life is full of uncertainties and though I love surprises and being spontaneous, I like to have an idea of what might be planned for the next day. I struggle with not having a plan in place for the week to come. Whenever something changes my plan, I find myself asking, why? Why did that have to come up this week? Why in the world did I do that? Why do I have to be the one to deal with this? Why can't I just escape from all of this? I think you get the point. The thing about why questions is that they focus mostly on the person who feels they are being targeted...me. I want to know the reason I am having to deal with the curve balls. I want to know what I did to set off the chain of events that are hurling themselves toward me at speeds I sometimes cannot brace myself for. In my mind, I should not have to deal with curve balls or lemons (whatever you would like to call those oh-so-blessed trials). At the risk of sounding like a little kid, I basically am saying "this isn't fair!" when things don't go my way.
There are so many paths that I have thought were correct. I pick and choose the answers that best answer my "why" questions, and by "best" I mean, make me feel better about myself. During these twists down the path, I tend to either look down at my feet, back at the path I have left behind, or at the one tree right in front of me. I neglect to look ahead and view the whole forest. I do not and cannot see the big picture. And, to be honest, if I were to see the big picture, I would probably be so overwhelmed that it would just make matters worse.
Looking down at my feet while walking allows me to not trip, but it also allows me to miss out on the things around me. When I look back, I focus on trying to figure out what tripped me up, or how I got to where I am.  And, looking at one thing right in front of me causes me to have a very narrow viewpoint of where I am. I see one pine tree and think I am in the south, when really I am in a forest up north.

I'm not perfect, which I am very thankful for. I enjoy the fact that my story is not finished, but rather it is in the process of being written, and the beautiful thing about that is there is still room to grow and change. I am still able to learn from my mistakes and remind myself that focusing on the path behind me only complicates things further.
Sometime, the view in front of us is more breathtaking than we realize. And, the sad thing is, most of the time all we have to do is look up or look forward to take it all in...

Monkey See, Monkey Do...

I take care of two little ones that I absolutely adore. Each day they make me smile by the silly things they do or attempt to say. I find myself learning from them each day too. Today, I found myself thinking about how much my little sweets (the girl) imitates what she sees. Elmo will say or do something, and she will try to say or do it. I was feeding her little brother (little man), and she was busy occupying herself with her toys. I saw her grab her teddy and carry him ever so gently while picking up her little brothers toys. The way she set up the toys was how I set them up for her brother. As I was watching her, I realized that little kids aren't the only ones who imitate what they see.
It dawned on me that everyone is impressionable. I can think back and remember of many instances where I demonstrated the same actions. It's easier to imitate someone's actions rather than going against the grain and making your own.
It's amazing what two kids under the age of two can teach a person!

Time Flies with Age

What is it about getting older that makes time fly by so quickly? I can remember as a little girl thinking that I would never get passed 10 years old because time seemed to move so slowly. Now, I'm 22 and wondering where the past 12 years have gone. I am tempted to say that time seems to pass more quickly to us adults because we are busy every day. We have responsibilities to take care of, and we have a lot on our mind. We look forward to and plan things that are months ahead, but as a young child, events don't really get planned out so far in advanced (with the exception of Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, July 4th, and birthdays).
Kids take the time to smell the roses...and the daisies, tulips, daffodils, violets, lilacs, pansies, geraniums, and just about every other flower out there. They don't worry about the few minutes it takes to enjoy the beautiful smell of a flower or a moment with friends. To them, it's just what their day holds for them, and they are content to be in that very present moment. We, as adults, have a tendency to view smelling the flowers as a waste of precious time. How often do we not take the time to appreciate little things around us? I try to do this on a daily basis, but sometimes it's annoying to stop, breathe, and take in the moment. I'm a "go getter" person who generally doesn't readily take the scenic route to the end. I enjoy going from point A to point B, but maybe it's time for that to change...

Music... It Can Touch our Core

Have you ever thought about how much music is threaded throughout our society? Everywhere you go, from the public restrooms to the dentist office, there is music playing. I, for one, listen to music every day from the time I wake up til the time I go to sleep.
I heard on the radio that music is a quick way to a person's soul. I had to agree with that statement. I began to think about it though. What about music makes a phrase touch us enough to send tears streaming down our face, produce anger, provide strength, or give encouragement. What is it about words to a tune that can touch our hearts? Most people can memorize a good majority of a song just after hearing it once or twice. I have a difficult time keeping things in my long term memory, but if you were to play a song that I use to listen to back when I was ten, I would probably be able to remember a good majority of the song.
Thinking about that blows me away. Just imagine how much music could impact this whole world!

Circumstances or The Face of Jesus?

I was listening to the radio today, and they were talking about how today is the one year anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. There were a couple people talking about their recent trip to Haiti, and the one guest was talking about the circumstances around the situation then and now. A phrase caught my attention: Are we focusing on the circumstances or on the face of Jesus? They kept talking about what that meant for them, but I think I tuned them out as I focused on just what that meant to me.
Circumstances... it's a nice way to summarize the crappy times in our life that we are dealing with. When things are going our way, we, at least I, tend to be more willing to divulge in just what those "circumstances" are, but when things are messy and less appealing, things are kept secret and deemed as "circumstances" or "situations."
I began to ask myself. Do I focus on the circumstance or the face of Jesus in those valleys that tend to slump my mood? Or, do I focus on the one who has brought me to this valley in order to show me just what he is capable of doing? I am so easy to see only the shadows in the valley that I neglect to see the powerful sun breaking through the gloom, shining down on me, allowing me to see a way out of the gloom and despair. I am so quick to take my focus off the face of Jesus and remain fixed on the events taking place in my life. I become so consumed by those events and the depressing connotations they can carry with them that I forget to look at the one who can redeem me from there and bring me to a better place.
Not only will he bring me to a better place mentally, but also spiritually and emotionally. I forget the powerful restorative power that the face of Jesus possesses. I'm sure the story of Peter (Matthew 14) walking on the water comes to your mind (it did mine). Peter trusted Jesus to the point of actually getting out of the boat to step out onto the raging sea that was hurling waves toward him. He had the confidence to let go of the boat and begin walking toward this man on the water. For a few seconds he was able to concentrate on the face of Jesus, but something made him doubt and look away and realize the circumstances that were surrounding him. Peter saw the waves and the anger of the sea all around him and quite possibly began to doubt that what he was doing was really possible. He panicked. The beautiful thing is that Jesus didn't just sit there and watch Peter sink in the storm. Peter also didn't just give up and give in to the dark waters; he remembered who Jesus was and called out to him, and Jesus reached down and saved him by pulling him up out of the rage that was beginning to engulf him.
I have had those moments (more often than not) when I begin to trust God with my heart and begin to take steps toward giving it all to him, but become distracted by the moments that knock me off balance and remind me of just what is going on around me. I lose sight of the only reason as to why I am where I am. I forget that I was not venturing out to do something by myself, but rather, I was being guided by the only person who orchestrates the earth and all that takes place on it. I forget that I just simply need to focus on him and his saving grace and abundant mercy and love, and instead, I focus on the raging storms that are surrounding me and crashing into me with such strength. I quickly believe that I am sinking. But, in those brief moments of fear and panic, something reminds me that the God of all this world who has allowed this mess and chaos to be a part of my journey through life is still there beside me. I remember that he has not walked away, and most importantly, he has not taken his eye off of me. I am reminded that I just need to call out to him.
He is so faithful to deliver us. Sometimes, his way of delivering us is slow and painful, but in the end, it's what was best for us and our development toward being a stronger believer in him. I have many Peter moments, unfortunately. Some last longer than others, and the pain that I put myself through can be unbearable. The path back to "normalcy" can be quite rewarding though.

Each New Day

There's a certain part of me that has hard time with letting go of the past. I hold onto the memories that were created, good or bad, and find myself constantly thinking about them. There are things that I wish were different about my past, but I don't wish that they were different. I am who I am today because of what was done yesterday. Choices that I made three years ago still affect the choices that I make today.
I found a quote at a previous job, and I copied it and hung it on my refrigerator. I found myself staring at it earlier today and just rolling the words over in my head.
I may have shared this before, but it's been on my mind as of late, so I would like to share it.
"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind... let it be something good." 
I do not know who wrote this, but I am glad they did. I am so quick to zone out during my day and just go through the motions. I try to maintain some level of spontaneity in my day to day life, but there is only so much one can do before things are repeated. The days that repeat themselves drag, and I find myself wishing that they were just over with. But, I need to stop and think about just what that would mean. I would be missing out on a whole day that I could have used to impact someone's life. By becoming a drone in those days, I risk the chance of missing out on something so amazing that it only happens once. Life is numbered whether we like it or not. Our days are numbered, and we are unaware of what our individual number is. For all I know, my last day could be today. I might not wake up tomorrow which would mean I would be in His presence, but that would mean that I have spent the majority of my last day on earth going through the motions of my schedule rather than being a light in someone's dark day. 
I know that there are many people who do not enjoy talking about death, but its a very real part of our lives. Dwelling on death is not recommended, but allowing it to inspire you to be the best that you can be and the most influential you can be is what I am suggesting.
I experienced a loss a little over a year ago. It was hard and more real than I ever thought death would be to me. It shook my world more than I could have ever imagined. My cousin, who is only a couple years younger than I, was taken out of this world in an awful accident. It is viewed as an awful thing by most, and I have family who are still so torn by it. There lives have been shaken and have yet to settle. 
As much as it seems unfair, I think, actually, I know that God uses these things to wake people up. Does it seem fair to our finite human minds? No, but that's why he is God and we are mere human beings. We are not capable of understanding his reasonings behind what he does or what he allows to have happen. Often times, two people are molded out of tragic situations, those who are changed forever by the traumatic events and inspire to be different and those who cannot move past the event to see the big picture.
Her death was a wake up call to many. When I see a picture of her, I think about how my life here on earth is numbered and a gift. I am not the master of my own life no matter how hard I try to be. I cannot say when things will change or when I will no longer be able to take a breath. But, I am able to seize the moment and breathe in the life that God has given me in that very moment. I am capable of seeing the beauty that is around me and the beauty that is rising from the ashes each day. I can choose to be His instrument each day that I am alive.
My cousin is remembered as so many different things because she was involved in so many people's lives. I want to be remembered as someone who seized the moment given to her, who lived for the moments that took her breath away, who created meaning out of little things, who showed passion for people, and who was willing to learn along the way. I don't want to be a robot who goes through the scripted moments of each day. I want to live as if this were my last and live with a purpose. I want my yesterday to be the introduction to my today, but without regrets of what it contains. I want to view each new day as an open canvas dying to be painted.
And, I want others to have that same desire to seize the moment and embrace the day that has been given to them.

Sleep...overrated or underestimated?

I think my answer to the above question truly depends on the day. I have had some of the worst experience with sleep. I love sleep, so please don't think that I try to avoid it. I have never been one to take naps, and I physically can't even when I try, and I find it physically impossible to sleep past nine in the morning. I am a "driver," meaning I like to get things done now instead of later. When my head hits the pillow at night, my eyes, unlike most people's, remain wide open, practically impossible to keep closed. And, even though my room is pitch black, I find it hard to fall asleep.
When I was younger, I hated going to be or taking naps or even sleeping in the car for fear that I might miss something important. In high school, all my friends were unavailable to do things in the morning on the weekend or over breaks because they were sleeping in. I, on the other hand, thought it was great when I woke up at eight! I honestly find sleeping in a form of laziness for me. Now, I am not saying that people who do sleep in are being lazy. I feel guilty when I sleep in because I know that I have limited hours in my day and a list of things to accomplish. Some people, mothers in particular, will probably like to advise me to get all the sleep I can now because once motherhood hits, sleep is a necessary luxury that you will hardly ever experience.
The past year or so, sleeping has become an issue that I have become very aware of. One night, in particular, I went to bed on time because I had to be up at 4:30 for work the next morning. Two hours later and quite a bit of tossing and turning, I found myself still wide awake and unable to sleep. I even went the distance of counting backward from 2,000! When I made it to zero, I wanted to cry, not because I was exhausted or that it was a hugely large task to tackle, but because I could not figure out how to get that much needed rest I knew I would need.
Many, many months, a bit of research, a few experiments, and many late evenings and early mornings later, I have figured out a few things about my "sleep pattern." I am what some would call a "blackberry queen." I do not own a blackberry, but I own a cell phone and a laptop which help connect me to my family and friends as well as the rest of the world. I would not say that I am addicted to either of these things, but I do spend most of my alone time on them. This title does not fully mean that I am a technology addict; it also implies that I have a busy mind (to say the least). I will drive around town, sit on the couch, be in the shower, or lay in bed and be constantly thinking about what I need to do next in my day which sparks the thought about the things that come after the first task which might spark the memory of someone which will lead me to think about other things related to that (all this while still making my continuously changing "to do list" for that day). My brain does not stop, and when I think about trying to slow my thought processes down a little, it only begins to produce more thoughts at a much higher pace. Thanks to my never ending thought processes, I am unable to fall asleep, and stay asleep.
Though I have not actually found a cure to my sleep issues, I have found a few things that have helped tremendously. I listen to solo piano music at least an hour before bed and make sure that all electronics are off and if the phone is charging, its face down so I cannot see the glow. I then proceed to think about the things that I must do right when I wake up, but then distract my mind with something good that happened that day. So far, I have actually fallen asleep within an hour of my head gracing my pillow!

For all to see

It amazes me how much beauty is right before our eyes, and yet some of us walk right by without a second glance. Can you imagine how the world would be affected if everyone took a second to just breathe in and appreciate the wonders this world has to offer?

I am so thankful that beauty has not escaped my eyes, and I hope that it never will. 

Paths

Have you ever felt like you have reached your limit and you have no idea where to go to get out of it? I have felt that way a lot recently. Last year was such an up and down roller coaster for me emotionally, physically, and mentally. I think I maxed out my limit in many areas. The stress level I experienced last year was much higher than I had preferred. Some of that was due to things out of my control, but there were some decisions that I made that caused things to spike up.
I have never been one to make New Year's resolutions simply because I feel like they are pointless and, at times, seen as a joke. This year, I would like to try and avoid the amount of stress I underwent last year. I would love to sit here and tell you that on the fifth day of this new year, I am doing remarkably well in the stress management department. Unfortunately, I cannot even come close to meeting that. The first day of January was ended in a mess of tears and the next day to follow drifted by while spending 14 hours in the car (which is long enough to drain you for a month). It is now the fifth day into the new year, and I am freaking out over things. I still have yet to find health insurance and I have no idea how to speed up the process any faster. I am asking myself "to go to school, or not go to school this semester?" I thought I was okay with not going back this semester and just taking a breather. But, after being greeted by many friends and family saying "Oh...." in a very disappointed tone after learning of my school plans, or lack there of, I have begun to rethink my decision. If I don't go back to school, it will be time to begin paying on my loans, but if I do continue with school, I can defer them again. The downside to going back to school is that I have no clue what classes I would take.
Yesterday, I ran around at the community college trying to get my questions answered, and I found that my main reasons for continuing school this semester were to avoid my loans (by accruing more) and being a student like everyone thought I should be. I had no real reason to go. Now, I am registered for two classes that I am not even sure I need nor want to take. My mind is in a huge tizzy right now. I cannot express to you how confused and overheated my mind has become just in these past five days of the new year.
I am constantly reminding myself that things do not need to be done according to the world's standards. I am not required to fit into the typical life mold of a 22 year old. I am an individual created to be me and no one else. And, if school is not on that path that I am suppose to take, then so be it.