Step by Step

I have been up since 4 am. Why? You may ask. Well, if I knew, I would love to tell ya. Four hours of sleep isn't exactly my idea of a good night's rest, but my body seems to think otherwise. So, here I am, almost three hours later, wide awake.
It may have something to do with all the thoughts that I have running through my mind. I woke up with a friend on my mind whom I was able to discuss salvation with a few nights ago. Also on my mind was the song by Rich Mullins "Step by Step," you know...the one where you stomp when you say "step by step." I got the thinking about that, and I find it funny that I woke with those two things on my mind. Okay, maybe not the humorous type of funny, but the "hmmm, that's interesting" type of funny. Lately I have just been praying that God will lead me every step of the way, but then I realized that God is oh so very willing to do that. The problem is not in his willingness, but in my desire to actually allow him to lead, meaning I would have to follow. I have to be honest with you, following isn't exactly my forte. I'm more of a "take life by the horns and get things done" kind of a girl. I do not deal well with having to sit and wait and allow someone else to take the lead. I am so quick to jump at every opportunity to abandon ship and go my own way that I think will get things done and over with more quickly. My lack of patience and over obsessiveness to control things is probably why I am where I am right now, still no job! It is definitely not the position that I want myself to be in, and I have tried so many times to change that and when I realized I couldn't, I "gave up" and told God he could take over. But, a few weeks ago, I became aware of my worry over this issue of no job. Though I told God that he could take over, I still allowed my mind to obsess over it and become depressed over it. It dawned on me that doing worrying about it is not truly giving the matter over to him. I look at my life, and I can't help but think that God finds my quick to jump, over obsessive habits funny (and probably annoying). I'm sure he says to me (while I am frantically searching for a "short cut"), "Um.... Becky, I thought you were giving this one up to me. The path you're looking for is right here. It would be a whole lot easier if you would just give up your controlling habits and just follow me. The way you're trying to go is just going to take you longer! But, I will wait." I'm sure my bull headed habits of being stubborn is why it takes me so long to figure out that no, my way isn't the right way. Sighs... if only I could remember that daily!
That song keeps playing in my head. Well, mostly just "and step by step you'll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days" I love how God sometimes uses little things such as a snippet from a song to remind me of life lessons.

The only one

We're all searching for something at some point in our lives. I think it varies from person to person and changes as they age. Some are searching for money, possessions, acceptance, pleasure, strength, or love. These things can vary in degree as well. Some want just enough money to be comfortable, others want acceptance to the point of being well known, and for some, they want to find unconditional love. The last thing is something that's hard to find. We, as humans, want to find that person who is going to love us no matter what. That person who is going to be there through thick and thin and there to pick us up when things are at their worst. We can only hope and pray to find someone who is going to accept us as the imperfect being that we are and be willing to stand by us despite our past mistakes and probable future ones.
This has been on my mind a lot today. Too often I look to other humans to fill in the "hole" I think I feel. I know that this "empty" feeling inside will never be filled by other imperfect human beings. So many days have gone by where I wonder why I feel the way I do at times, and then I remember that I'm human, imperfect, and always in need of reminders. I cannot do things on my own and need to ask for help daily, but I find it hard to remember just whom I have to go to in order to get that help. The amazing thing is that no matter how hard headed or stubborn or prideful I am, God is always there and ready with open arms to first comfort me and then to give me the strength that I need. His love for me is unconditional. There's not a single thing that I can do that will ever surprise him, and he's promised me that he will not walk away from me. There's not a single thing that will be thrown my way that will surprise him or that I cannot get through, so long as I have his help.
I have to daily remind myself that He is the only one who is able to give me strength when I need it, carry me when I am weak, comfort me when I am down, make me smile when I need it, and forgive me no matter what I have done. He's the only one who is ever able to fulfill that void, and he's the only one who will always be there waiting for me no matter how many times I turn my back on him.

Complex Minds

The mind is such an incredible tool. We can't really shut it off no matter how hard we try. Along with the mind comes our memories which are normally attached to events or people. And, those people from the past we tend to use as models to compare new people we interact with in the present. I find myself doing this comparison on just about everyone that is in my life, and I don't purposefully do it. It's something that just happens within the first few seconds of meeting someone. Once my mind is triggered, it's hard to stop the flooding memories and quick comparisons of each person's (past and present) smile, demeanor, voice, personality, and likes.
As these comparisons are going on, I am also continuing in the conversation that I am having with this present person, but I am also thinking about memories that are connected to the person whom I am comparing them with.
Along the line of memories, I am fascinated with what can trigger memories. Sometimes it's the faintest smell, a certain flash in someone's eye, a song, a car, the tone of someone's voice, the mention of a place, or the weather. For me, the best memories are usually connected to a song or a smell. I think half of my itunes is attached to a funny memory or one that I cherish. And, I find it funny how the most random smells will trigger something in my mind which leads me down memory lane (a place I find myself visiting often).

Trees

I am found that I am fascinated by trees.  I love to take pictures of them. There’s something about them that makes them look so strong but when the wind blows, they become vulnerable. The storms that they endure either make or break them. I was going through my pictures and found some that I really like. Here’s a few of them….

Gremlins

I have come to almost believe that I have little gremlins following me around wreaking havoc however they can any chance they get. Thanks to them, my life is never monotonous. Just this weekend they showed their presence. Saturday I went to Wal Mart to pick up some things for a pizza some friends and I were making. I pulled in the parking spot, put the car in park, and turned the car off…or so I thought. I grabbed my purse, opened the door and heard a humming noise. After listening to the other cars around me, I realized the humming was coming from me. I put my hand on the steering wheel and felt it vibrating. I panicked thinking I did something wrong. So I put the key back in and tried to turn the car on but because it was already on it wouldn’t do anything. I proceeded to turn the car off again, but still it would not work. I drove home, called the mechanic who so graciously met me at the shop. Needless to say, some wiring that is supposed to be in the car isn’t to communicate from the key to the engine wasn’t working. He did a temporary fix (since part stores weren’t open), showed me what fuse to pull in case it acted up again, and handed me a wrench to use to unhook the battery.
Last night, I got home late and was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I went to turn the water off but (can you guess?) the hot water wouldn’t shut off. It kept running and running no matter what way I turned the faucet and no matter how hard I turned it, the water kept pouring out. I, again, slightly panicked and called a friend who told me to shut off the valve. Thankfully it worked.

I’m slightly curious as to what might happen next!

"Have Your Way"

This ties in with my previous post. The song by Britt Nicole, "Have Your Way," pretty much sums up where I am and what I am daily reminding myself to do. Take a listen, maybe you'll like it or maybe you won't, but I think the lyrics are rather relevant to a lot of people.

Setbacks or a Blessing in Disguise?

I am apologizing right up front, this entry is lengthy. But, feel free to read. Hopefully it will lift your spirits somehow.

I have gone through a lot in the 21 years I have been alive. I have watched my dad, the rock in my life, go through 10 surgeries and still be affected my asthma and COPD (even though he never smoked a day in his life), and I have seen the burden and strain those surgeries have put on my parents and the finances. It's emotionally draining to go through the process of diagnosing, treating, having a surgery, recovery and then turning around to have to do that again only with something else. The stress it has put on the relationship between my mom and dad and then between me, my and my dad is great. Almost 2 years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't seeing my dad go through the pain and the stress it put on my mom. It was too much and I crumbled. I ran, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I fought so hard to stay away from it, to keep away from the pain and the difficult times. I immersed myself in my work and school. I did everything in power to keep a distance from it all. I didn't want to be involved anymore. My mom didn't really have anyone else to talk to about all of it, so I was her person to go to and to vent to. For a while I had tolerated it, but the bitterness built up. 

I never realized it til now, but I had become angry and bitter. Not at anyone in particular but just angry at the whole situation. Why my family? Why so much at one time? I learned a lot about responsible financing and penny pinching. Living like you're super poor had become my way of life because that's how we had to live to stay afloat. Looking back, I think I had grown bitter toward God. I think I felt like he wasn't providing for my family the way he should...well, the way I thought he should. I avoided began to avoid him. I had a full time job that kept me busy and out of church and I had become okay with that. I was unaware of all this at the time which might be hard to believe, but I don't remember ever thinking that God had left me and I don't remember ever deciding to run from him. I think it was something I was slowly doing subconsciously. 

I allowed myself to drift away from the support system of Christian friends and move into the social network of people who looked toward fleshly things to bring temporary healing. The ways of the world had become the thing I would turn to when stressed. For a while I didn't feel guilty about it and rather liked my life. I moved down here to begin new chapter in my life. I wanted to just get a way from everything. Little did I know that you can't just drop everything and run. Things follow you and are attached to you. I had become so used to doing things my way, and I knew how to fool people into thinking everything was fine and that nothing had changed. I'm sure some people could see through the facade but as far as I was concerned everything was just fine...the mask was beginning to fool me. 

I say all this to give a background to what is on my mind. In the past 6 months or so, I have had more medical problems than I care to have at a young age. Medical bills are now on my list of things to think about daily. The things I was running from, and I had thought I had escaped, have come back to haunt me. And because of that I have broken down. I tend to be stubborn. Okay, I am very stubborn. I like doing things my way. I learn the hard way. I have realized that I cannot run from God. He is there every step of the way and will do whatever he can to get our attention. For me, it's filling my plate up with medical issues, the exact thing I have been trying to run from.  It's taken me a very long time to realize that life run by me is a complete disaster full of stress, bitterness, and sadness. That's no life I want to be living. Looking back, I realize that all the issues back home is one way God used to remind my parents that he is the only one who can provide for them. It was a strengthening tool.

At that point, I didn't want to be refined and put through the fire to be shaped and molded. I liked where I was. But, not I realized that that life is stagnant. Trials and testing by fire is the only way that my relationship him is going to grow and develop into something beautiful and magnificent.
So, do I see these medical issues as setbacks? Yeah, I do on occasion. It's not easy hearing that I might develop arthritis or that insurance doesn't pay for things. And, being on my own for the first time, makes the issues seem more drastic than what they truly are. BUT, I have now realized that all this is a way for God to draw me to him, to show me that he cares and that he wants me for his own. So, I am trying to remind myself that these are not end of the world issues, but rather blessings in disguise that will make me into more of the woman I truly want to be.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Critters

Now, I would never consider myself a city girl. I can handle just about anything you throw my way. Spiders, snakes, scorpions, ants, worms, large animals, mice, rats (even naked mole rats) I can handle with no creepy crawly skin side affects, but you put one cockroach, centipede, or millipede in my path (dead or alive) and I will be flapping my hands, dancing on my toes and running to the nearest toilet, bed, or chair to get away from them!
I have lived in the south for about 3 months now, and I have killed 1 centipede & 3 cockroaches and see cockroaches scurrying about the path at night when I go out to my car or the dumpster. To say that I abhor these multiple legged critters would be the understatement of the century! They're absolutely disgusting. I am a very clean, neat, and organized person. I don't like filth, dust, or clutter. I take pride in cleaning each and ever room...so much so that I even mop and dry my hardwood floors by hand (yes, on my hands and knees, scrubbing!). So you can imagine my disgust when I had these critters in my apartment. This last time, tonight, when our paths crossed, I had gone into my bathroom, opened up the medicine cabinet and felt something hit the back of my head. I looked around and saw nothing. So, being the curious person that I am, I turned the light on to investigate. And, to my unpleasant surprise this brown thing of the devil scurried toward my up onto my foot. I screamed flapped my arms (as if I hopefully would fly away) and danced about before hopping up on the toilet. After gaining my composure, I ran to the kitchen-still doing the "icky gross it touched me" dance- and grabbed my clog and the bottle of 409. I went back into the kitchen took a deep breath closed the door and began to douse the evil critter. I chased it behind the toilet and back out before it finally stopped moving which is when I squished it with my clog.
After taking out my revenge on the "thing" I ran to the nearest Wal Mart, picked up some Raid, came home and proceeded to spray every crevice and cranny in my whole apartment. And, you can bet that my landlord will hear from me. The pest guy was here last month and I think it's time for another visit.
Some might just say, welcome to the south! But, I think this is a little excessive!!!
*Shutters with disgust*
...and just so you know, all events are written with total accuracy!

Changing of Seasons

I think sometimes I take for granted the beauty of each season. I tend to be the girl who is freezing even in the summer, so I naturally appreciate summer more than the other seasons. But, as I sit here at my dining room table looking out my window, I can't help but notice the amazing colors that the trees are beginning to show. I find it amazing that a tree once crisp green can produce bright reds, golden yellows, and glowing orange hues. It's almost breath taking. I am sitting here wishing I was back home in the finger lakes region of New York because the fall colors are displayed throughout the surrounding hills and mountains.
I look at these colors and am so thankful that the Creator of this world is so artistic. Not only does he make the trees beautiful colors in different seasons, but he also has made birds with different songs, animals with different quirks, and humans with different personalities, and each thing, in their own way is beautiful and perfect in his eye. That perfection includes me. I, like most, sometimes second guess my beauty. I am so thankful that the God of this universe views me as perfect. Just looking at the beauty of his creation I am reminded that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The world may see imperfections, but to Him, there are no imperfections. To Him, I am his beautiful daughter that he chose to form and develop.

Leaves starting to change in NC

Flowers and trees budding in spring

Summer crispness

Back home in the winter

I love the change of seasons, although, I will be honest, I do NOT like the cold weather that comes with it!

Friends

I can only hope that everyone gets to experience the beauty of friendship. They're the ones who get me through some of the crappy, crazed, foggy days of my life. Without them, my thoughts would truly get the best of me. As a little girl, I had friends at school and friends at church, and I thought that those friendships would always last, but the reality is that people grow up, change, and move on. Some are lucky enough to remain friends with their childhood buddies, but others experience the feeling of losing something that was important. For me, the latter was the case. I experienced it quite a few times actually. First time was around age 6, second 8, then 11, 15, and 18. Looking back, I have realized I took it all very personally. Most of the reasons the friendship ended was because the person moved, switched schools, or graduated and took a different path than I. Other reasons were because we just grew to be different, not in a bad way, but just in a way that didn't mesh with the other very well. And, there's nothing wrong with that. It happens quite often. About 2 weeks ago, I realized I have removed myself from truly getting to know others because I was afraid that all attempts to remain friends would be futile. I cherish friendship so much, but at the same time, I'm almost afraid of it. I was talking to my friend Dani, and I realized that she's the one friend who moved away that I am still friends with. We were roommates for the summer before she got married. She moved to NC after getting married, and I was again, short a friend. Because of past experiences, I just sort of assumed that we wouldn't stay close so I didn't attempt to stay in touch. In a way, she felt the same way, and yet, here we are attempting to spend every weekend together because we are such great friends. We get each other (which can take quite a bit of effort) and were both quirky and spunky enough to feed off of each other's energy. I am so thankful that our friendship didn't die and look forward to the adventures that lie ahead.

It's the craziness that glues us together

To soothe my soul, calm my nerves, and clear my thoughts...

Writing, it's the way I clear out the congestion that's inside my head. There's something refreshing about seeing my thoughts written out on paper. It almost makes some of the more pressing matters seem less stressful. It's also kind of nice to look back and read what I wrote when I was in junior high/high school. Most of it is more on the comical side, but there are some things that are just as relevant now as they were then. To me, writing, whether it's a book, letter, scattered thoughts, or a journal entry, is a way to freeze a little piece of time.
Writing doesn't necessarily calm my nerves. For that I hop in my car and drive. Take a left here, a right there, go straight for a few miles, and then wonder "where the heck am I?" To some that is more like a recipe for disaster and wasted gas, but to me it's how I relax. Something about driving aimlessly and exploring new areas gets my mind off of whatever was bothering me and replaces it with an adventure.
What calms you down and clears your mind?