Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Touch of homesickness

So, there was a part inside of me that was just itching to get out, and I'm sure that everyone knows that feeling I'm talking about. It's that dire need to just get out from underneath another person's rules and just be free, independent! For most, that feeling begins to creep in around age 16 when they get their license, and by 18 that need and desire for freedom has taken over. Some can stand it until there 20s and others may never really feel the need to get out and are quite comfortable with being under someone else's roof. Not me! I was itching to get out well before I was even 13. I can remember at age 10 planning how far I was going to go and where I was going to live. It's not that I didn't like living with my parents, but there was this sense of desire to just be free and capable of doing things my way, having my kitchen my way, and cleaning my way. Okay...that sounds really selfish, and it sort of is, but when you have even the slightest hint of OCD in regards to cleaning and organizing, then it appears perfectly normal. But, needless to say, I remained in my house until I was 21. So much for getting out early. I have always been rather financially independent and responsible and I have taken pride in that. When I turned 18, moving out wasn't an option financially. When 21 came around, it was looking more doable, and to be honest, I am so glad it was.
I moved out as soon as I could, and not just to another neighborhood...to another state! My parents weren't too thrilled, but I was tickled pink for the new adventure. I have been on my own for about 4 months now, and I have been doing pretty well. I haven't really felt homesick...until now. I think it's the holiday season that has begun to tug at my emotions. So many memories revolve around Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the thought of not participating in those traditions kind of breaks my heart. Sure, I will make new traditions with my new family, once that comes along, but until then, what do I do?
Thanksgiving this year wasn't too bad. I went to a friend's house, and they've basically become my family. But, when my mom sent me a video of her and dad getting the tree and then a picture of it decorated, I almost lost it...in Borders! Thankfully, she said that she would be willing to tear it all down just so I could put it back up when I make it home for Christmas! I am so excited about that. I never really thought about all the traditions that I would be leaving behind and left out of until now.
Home is definitely one place I enjoy being at during the holidays...even when there is mass chaos and mom is yelling at the pie crusts she is attempting to make but keep falling apart! It's tradition and I love it!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

My take at craftiness

Every Christmas comes around...obviously, and every year, I run out of ideas as to what sort of gifts to buy for my niece and nephews. They are all very close in age and love the same things so one would think it would be easy. But, I have deemed myself Aunt Becky, the cool aunt, which means I feel an added pressure to get them something slightly unique, or at least super cool according to their standards. This year I have been inspired by a friend to be crafty, but I don't really consider myself to be a very crafty person. So, what's "crafty" yet easy but likeable by most? A tie fleece blanket. Yep, super easy to construct and not that time consuming. The best thing is, you can't really mess up! I will be honest, if the scissors you are using are the slightest bit dull, then this task will be very frustrating to you.
I have made one, am in the process of making the second, and will have two more to complete. I think I might even try to make a pillow with the excess material I have. Guess you could say I'm on a roll!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Just look at the face....

I know that I am not a parent of my own children but I have so many years of experience with kids that I feel like I understand the inner workings of a child and the relationship they have with parents and those in authority over them. I appreciate the child's mind and their desire to be spontaneous, adventurous and free, and, in a way, I also appreciate their strong will and desire to test the boundaries. I mean, without pushing their parent's buttons or testing the boundaries of their teachers or caregivers, they won't really know what's deemed unacceptable. To be honest, when I run across a child who doesn't push the boundaries and test the waters, I begin to wonder why. It's slightly sad to say, but disobedience is something that I expect from children. Of course, not an overabundance, but I think that there is a healthy limit.
What irritates me beyond belief is when there is testing of boundaries and buttons but no discipline. How is the child suppose to learn if there is no correction? I don't mean spanking for every little thing, and I certainly don't mean giving excessive warnings and counting to "3" eight times before taking action. There needs to be clear cut expectations of correction. A child should know that when you say no that you mean business. Give a warning, but after that first warning, take action. When I find kids who know they can wear the adult down if they do something continuously, it makes me cringe inside. I cringe because one...the parent or caretaker can't stand up for what they want to a child and two... the child is learning to view authority as a joke.
Life is not full of warnings. Most of the time, we get a slap on the wrist the first time around. These kids who are growing up thinking there aren't consequences to things or that they can get away with things are going to have a rude awakening.
I have found that when parents have multiple children, there is usually one child who is the instigator, one the follower, and one left in the dust. Often times, it's easy to mistake the one eating the dust as the instigator simply because they didn't figure out how to get out fast enough. The follower generally doesn't get blamed because they were misled. The instigator is normally sly enough to create the problem and slip away fast enough to appear innocent. It's not an easy task, but it's usually relatively easy to figure out which is which by simply looking at one's facial expressions. The instigator tends to have a smirk about them that they cant seem to shake and the one in the dust has a dumb founded look on their face simply because they're trying to figure out what the heck happened. The follower usually is showing a mixture of both faces because they're unsure of how they're going to be viewed.
Kids amaze me. Many people underestimate their perception of adults. They understand a lot more than we think, and they know how to work it to their advantage. Being with kids daily is a challenge, but it's one that I live for. Daily I learn something new from these pint sized human beings, and I am so thankful for their simple understanding of the world.
A child's facial expression tells it all! 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Knee-Prints

I'm doing a Beth Moore's Bible study called Breaking Free with a small group of women from my church. We're only in the second week, but God has spoken to my heart already. So far, we've been talking about 5 benefits that God extends to his children: To know God and believe him, To glorify God, To find satisfaction in God, To experience God's peace, and To enjoy God's presence.
Day 4 of this week focused on experiencing God's peace. Sometimes I feel like I experience bits and pieces of this and wish that I experienced it more. There were two statements that Beth made that really hit me. "God is incapable of making mistakes with our lives." She was talking about submitting to the authority of God and by doing so by being obedient to him. One way of being obedient is by not letting things from the past or present hold us captive. I often think that things I do are such a mistake or I will make a decision that I felt was correct at the time only to realize down the road it was a mistake. But, the fact that God CANNOT make a mistake with my life is so comforting. Everything, no matter what I do, will work out in the end the way he planned it to. I am reminded of just how much grace truly plays a part in my life. Without it, my life would be one huge mistake. I am becoming more and more thankful that God doesn't just throw up his hands in frustration or disgust toward me. He is the ultimate patient parent, and his arms are always there to comfort and hold me when I need it.
The next statement was "The path to peace is paved with knee-prints." We always take about "Footprints" and God carrying us when we were at our lowest, but I think that along our path there should be knee-prints. Not only does it show us humbling ourselves and being reverent to God, but it also brings a sense of peace. I don't know about you, but when I reach my wits end and I can't go any farther, that's when I fall on my knees asking for help. The problem is, I should have been on my knees way before I reached the end. Pride is something that I definitely struggle with. I don't like admitting that I am wrong or need help. I like to think of it as being a strong, independent woman. And, there's nothing wrong with being strong or independent, provided you're still dependent upon God. It is when I achieve so much, in my eyes, that I begin to think that I don't need help and that I have things under control, but in reality, everything is spiraling out of control. I need to swallow my pride daily and get down on my knees asking for his help, his guidance, and his comfort. The only thing I need to do is surrender everything to him.
I have a hard time with that word...surrender. I don't like to think about surrendering to anything because that means I'm giving up and am not strong enough. I view myself as a failure when I surrender to things. But, I'm actually failing when I don't surrender. I'm failing to allow my God, my Savior the pleasure of fighting my battles for me. I am failing to admit his immeasurable love, perfect grace, and overflowing peace. I am being selfish in thinking that I can't be seen as someone who surrenders because that's a sign of weakness, but it's just the opposite. Not surrendering shows weakness, and it undermines the power of God. By me holding onto the things that are keeping me captive and not allowing God to take care of them for me, I am telling God that I don't think he can handle it as well as I can. How ridiculous is that? My strength or willingness to fight is nothing compared to his abilities!
But, he's not going to force me into surrendering. If I want to feel free to enjoy him and his love and his desire for me to be the best that I can be, then I need to get on my knees in that sand and submit to his authority and give up all control. When I finally do that, He's not going to withhold from me his peace or his comfort or his strength. He is ready and willing to lavish me with all that, but I first need to humble myself and admit that I need it and that he is fully capable of handling everything far better than I ever can.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Being Grateful

I think that sometimes when we ask God for something, we automatically assume that he's going to deliver what we expect. I am coming to firmly believe God loves to see the look of surprise on my face followed by the quick glimpse of panic. I have gone from having multiple jobs to no job to tons of interviews to one job followed by more interviews. I am currently faced with a difficult decision of "which one do I do?" I have a heart for kids, I love taking care of them no matter what the ages and I get a sense of peace even in the most chaotic of times when I know I am going to be watching kids. Even when they act up, a smile spreads across my face. I think it's in my blood. My mom always says that the love of kids is in the Peck blood, but I'm pretty sure I get it from her and dad. She's been in a childcare setting for well over 20 years. I remember when I was little thinking I wanted to be a babysitter when I grew up. *chuckles a little*
God has presented me with a lot of different opportunities, and my first reaction was to say "hey, wait a minute! I only wanted one job, not multiple to choose from! What are you doing to me?" Instead, I should be thanking God for being overly generous and then ask him to help me weed through the possibilities. I am so quick to tell him that he has delivered something that I don' want. Thanking him is something that generally doesn't come naturally, but it needs to!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Squirrels

I know that probably the majority of people in this world would look at a squirrel and instantly think about how annoying they are. My parents would be two of those people. They love to hang bird feeders up and entertain birds by the windows for the kids to look at. They get quite irritated when squirrels come pouncing down from the garage roof and land on the tops of the feeders causing the birds to fly off of them as well as the bird food. They have tried the "squirrel proof" feeders and the dome shells to hang over the feeders, but I think that just poses more of a challenge to a squirrel. I, on the other hand, love squirrels. I think that their bushy tail and teeny tiny arms are just too cute. Not only do I think they're cute, but I also find them to be kind of quirky. I love to watch them scamper about.
*Moment of Confession... I am one of those crazy drivers who breaks for these furry little creatures*
I am amused by how they don't just run, they kind of hop and bounce along. I came out of my apartment today and one was sitting on the bottom step and as soon as he saw me he flicked his tail and scurried away as fast as he could. When I was younger, I would try to sneak up on them with the hope of touching one. My attempts paid off one day when I sneaked up on one that was feeding out of the bird feeder (while hanging off of the "squirrel proof" dome my parents had purchased).
While driving to an interview today, I watched one squirrel frantically dig and dig at one spot and just when it looked like he was about to place the nut occupying his mouth into the whole, he looked up, stared at something, flicked his bushy tail and scurried away into a bush. As I was laughing at him, I couldn't help but compare this little animal to myself. I get so easily distracted from things that I can hardly remember what I was thinking about a mere 30 seconds before hand. I spend so much time planning and planning for something or reminding myself to do something but when the time comes to actually do it, I get distracted and scurry off to something else that looks more interesting. Maybe that's why I like squirrels so much, I can relate to them.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Never Ending Struggle

It is so easy to get caught up in everything that is going on in our lives. I find that days have passed before my eyes and I feel like I've barely blinked. What's worse is that sometimes I feel as if months have flown by without my knowing. I hate thinking about days gone past and not being able to remember certain parts of them. Knowing that a part of my life is just gone and I can't get it back can be kind of daunting. About a year ago, after my cousin passed away from a bad car accident, I kind of realized that life is so short. None of us can ever know when our last day on earth will be. I have always thought of life as something sacred but the day I learned of Lace's passing, my view changed. 
By thinking that life is short doesn't mean that we should go crazy wild and do whatever we would like. We still have to be responsible with what God has given us. It's important to be mindful of how we're spending our time. Each breath that we're take is a gift that we should be more than thankful for. Time is so valuable and is something that we cannot make more of. Maybe that's why I don't like to sit around and be idle. 
I have to be honest though, I haven't exactly done my best at this lately. I am taking two online classes this semester, one anthropology and the other philosophy, and lately I've been neglecting my responsibilities in those classes. I don't do well with sitting down and reading things that I am told I have to read. But, right now, those classes are the two things that are my responsibility, and I need to do the best that I can in those classes. 
It's almost funny the sort of things that can pop into my mind the minute I sit down to work on homework in these classes. My mind can be completely focused on the thought of doing homework all day, but when I sit down to actually do it, my mind goes else where and remains lost there. It's a never ending struggle. Homework isn't the only area I struggle with this. Sitting down to read the Bible or spend time with God is unfortunately just as hard, sometimes harder. It's a struggle, but I'm still willing to fight back.

Monday, November 1, 2010

His timing

Over the past 4 months (the time that I have been on my own down here) I have often found myself questioning the circumstances and situations that I was/am in. At first, I was okay with not having a job because I figured it would take a few weeks to get things rolling. August came and the only job possibility was the one on campus, but it was a work study position that only allows $1000 worth of work over the whole semester. I was not thrilled about that part of the job, but I was happy I had a place to work at. September rolled around and still no other bites on jobs. I had applied to numerous places including retail stores, banks, restaurants, and nanny positions (all of which I have experience in) but nothing came out of any of that. I made sure to dress appropriately when applying, provide my resume, talk to the managers, and call within a week to "check on the status" of the application. September came and went and then we were into October. My confidence on the outside looked in tacked, but on the inside I was questioning my capabilities and skills. I began to think that things were looking quite ominous and I began to panic on the inside. I didn't know where the money to pay m bills would come from and I started to wonder if moving down here was a big mistake. 
October turned into a huge learning month for me. My eyes were opened to the fact that I had been pretending for years that things were okay. I knew what to say to other people to make them think I had things all together and I had begun to convince myself that I had things under control. (If you haven't noticed yet, there's a lot of "I's" in this). Control was in my hands and I thought everything was just fine. And, to the world's standards, things weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but compared to most, things were going great for me. When I hit rock bottom in the end of September, something began to change inside me. My thinking was slowly switching. It was becoming obvious to me that I was fully relying on myself and that's why I was in the disaster that I was. Slowly but surely, God was revealing to me that my life was not on the course that it should be and that things needed to be changed, specifically on who and what I was relying on. It took close to a month, but I think I can say that God has my attention now. My eyes have been opened to the one who is so worth my time. Each day I have a smile on my face because I know that God chose to allow me to experience that day.
His timing is perfect. I know that's so cliche, but it's so true. He orchestrates everything in each of our lives and they way things occur make so much more sense when he is leading us. I know that this post is a little bit repetitive of other posts I've written, but I was reminded of how much God WANTS to provide for me. I finally have a job, and though it is a seasonal position (for now), it's a job none the less. I am so thankful for it!