Change...

Why is it that change is so hard for us? What is it that makes so many of us cringe? I write this from the view point of enjoying the idea of change but hiding from actually going through the action (and I should warn you, this is a lengthy post). Maybe it's because we've been hurt by change in the past. Maybe, at one point in our life, we were a bystander affected negatively by change in another's life and have yet to shake the results. Maybe it's because change brings with it a sense of uncertainty. No matter how much we try to plan out our life things are going to arise that we did not take into account and therefore our plan is going to change. Maybe it's only when we are not initiating the change that we tweak out. If that's the case then I would say it's safe to assume there's a control issue. Or, maybe it's for a much different reason that I have yet to stumble upon.
But...
Whatever it is, you would think we would be okay with change because it happens to us starting at such a young age. There's the change from being at home to going to school. Then it's from kindergarten to junior high to high school then to college then the work field. Maybe those changes are slightly more manageable because there is a large group of people in the world going through the same process, and there's a sense of familiarity to it since we know the steps that follow. Again, I think that brings us back to control.
What is it about control that has many of us causing our lives to do exactly the opposite- spiral out of control!? Why are we so drawn to wanting control of things? Maybe it's the fact that whoever is in control gets to decide the next steps and know a little bit more. (I'm pretty sure that brings us right back to where we started...change). Funny how vicious the circle can be.
You would think we would all accept the fact that we truly can't control our life. Unless we are able to control the lives of everyone else on this planet, there is no way that we can be in total control of our own lives. And, when I say "control" I mean having the ability to determine the next step, based upon the knowledge of what is going to arise, and keeping things from turning chaotic.
I think we could all admit that we aren't perfect. So, that means that we aren't able to interpret everything correctly, which means that even if we did know what was coming next, we could still interpret it incorrectly... causing more change. Wow, seems like we just can't avoid that wonderful little word.
I don't think that any one of us would know what to do if we were granted complete control over things. There would definitely be a lot of self-pleasing acts which would make this world about twenty times worse than what it already is.
There is a sense of fear that presents itself when change is on the rise. It's the fear of the unknown. The little details held in the dark. The consequences or encounters hidden from us that we cannot plan on. The days and weeks and possibly even months that we must rely on something bigger than ourselves to get us through the day. Fear is an emotion present in all of our lives whether we want to admit it or not. It's that empty pit on our stomach that, when mixed with anxiety, makes you want to puke. It's having whatever worries you constantly on your mind. No matter what you do or try to think of, that feeling comes back full force and immobilizes you from pushing through strong.
Then, there's anticipation. That feeling of looking forward to something (or dreading it) so much so that time seems to slow down, almost excruciatingly, and all your thoughts and actions are conscious as to how much longer you must wait.
Combine fear and anxiety together and you have a recipe for dark circles, stress acne, sleep deprivation, and possibly 20lbs of stress "dieting," not to mention the other emotions that may come into play. These two feelings can keep you asking the "what if" questions that can spiral anyone into an overwhelming tizzy of dread... and fear.
So, I ask again. What is it about change that strikes fear and anxiety in just about every one of us? I've decided it's simply because we know we can't control things outside of our little comfort bubbles. It's unfamiliar territory, and we dare not venture out to it simply because we don't know how to prepare ourselves. We all have a little plan for our lives. Some it's a certain job or degree, others it's more family oriented. I will be honest, my plan for my life is to get married, have kids, and do my best at raising a God-fearing family. Sure, it may sound "old fashioned" to some, but I do not have the career oriented mind like some, and I am okay with that. I know that I love to cook, take care of kids, clean, organize, and live in sheer chaos that is a house of kids; I know that times won't be easy and there is bound to be an abundant amount of tears shed throughout the course of time, but I am fine with that. I feel as though that is what I am called to do... well, that is what I thought I felt I was called to do. Now, since my plan hasn't exactly taken a step forward, I am beginning to wonder "what next?" Things have come up in my life that have made me question if that is the "right" plan for me. I don't have a plan b. No one ever mentioned that part of life. The part where my plan doesn't go according to, well... my plan.
There's a chance that change is on the rise, and I can feel those two pesky emotions sneaking up and settling in my heart and mind. I can sense the fact that there is much I don't know about my future, and I am wrestling with it. I am striving so much to figure out just what those blurry patches are. I want to know what is ahead for me. In my striving and fighting (more like kicking and screaming) to remain in my comfort bubble, I have begun to realize just how selfish I am.
I have a plan.
I think I will be good at this
I want this in my life
I don't want to go there or do this
My plan is much more thought out
My goals are much more attainable
My success will come from this
I will be happy over here doing this
I want, I want, I want.....
I'm a nanny, and I cannot stand it when I hear those words over and over again after I have redirected, reprimanded, informed,  explained, and flat out said NO to. Whining is a huge pet peeve of mine, and yet, here I am doing it.
Who am I to decide what should happen with my life. I can't see what's going to take happen to me five minutes from now, let alone five years! I have no inclination as to who I will cross paths with. I don't know what obstacles I will face.
And that's what bothers me. I'm not in control, and I'm in the dark. So, what can I do. Nothing...case closed... But, there is someone who can. There is someone who knows what obstacles I will face. There is someone out there with a plan for my life that is in effect and that is much more effective than mine. My Creator, my Father, my Jesus, my Savior, and my Friend, has a plan for my life that totally blows mine out of the water. The trick is for me to let go of control-to let go of my selfish desire to direct and just sit back and take directions.
http://snippetsfromabusymind.blogspot.com/2011/08/i-stumbled-across-this-today-while.html
The link above will take you to a previous post of mine. I think the words that I happened to find the other day fit quite nicely with this post.
I know that I have rambled on for a while now, but this has been a battle of mine. Change, when I am not initiating it, scares me. And even when I am initiating it, I tremble with every step in fear that I am making the wrong decision. I am beginning to realize that change can be exciting and good when done correctly...and the only way to do that is with God in control. He's the only one who fits the "job description" for the leadership position. He has the most experience and all the credentials. So, why not let the pride and fear and anxiety that's holding us (me) back and grab hold (with faith) the hand of our heavenly Father who is more than capable of walking with us and even carrying us through the sunny days and dark storms.

"Faith is the capacity to endure uncertainties"