Restless Fire

I am struggling with being content. I find myself feeling restless day after day. I have felt this way before, but the intensity of these feelings have only grown stronger since Kenya. I feel as though I am wasting away my days. My eyes were opened to just how blessed I am. Not only am I blessed with plenty of food to eat, a rather decent size roof over my head, but I also have access to doctors near by, education, and clean-running water. I knew that not everyone in the world is able to have all of that, but the idea of just what that all implies never hit me til I saw it first hand.
I sit here going over my day which has consisted of changing dirty diapers multiple times, cleaning a pear/oatmeal mixture off my arm and face (thanks to a little guy's sneeze mid bite), cleaning up paint, making musical instruments, being a climbing toy, kissing boo-boos, filling up a pool, sweating next to the pool (if it were bigger, I would've been in it), making lunch, cleaning up squished lunch, reading stories, and giving kisses and tucking in for nap. I am so thankful for the job that I have which is why I am so confused as to why I feel so restless.
After chatting with another fellow nanny, I remembered that feeling restless and frustrated with the day to day routine is normal for those with kids. It's hard when all you see for the majority of your week are pint sized bodies and all you hear are little voices jibber jabbering, and the most intelligent conversation you have generally consists of something to do with the big girl potty verses the diaper while swimming in the pool. When you have "Rain, rain go away" or "Hotdog hotdog, hot diggity dog" stuck in your head all day every day, it can be hard to remember that you are more than just a mess cleaner. I know that it all comes with the package of nurturing and raising children and that with the good comes the bad (and monotonous), but part of me still wonders if it's that usual "nanny itch" or is it something else that's causing these feelings.
I can't help but sit and ponder. Just what am I doing with my life? I know that I am helping to shape a little piece of the next generation and that I am playing an important role in the lives of two beautiful and sweet children. And, I feel so blessed to have this job and truly do love every minute of it. I cannot imagine my life without them. But, I still feel like I am missing something. In the past, I have chosen to push the little voice into the back of my mind, but it's reached an intensity that cannot be muffled. I can't simply brush it away. It's loud, and it's making itself known.
Knowing that I loved Africa so much, and realizing how hard it was for me to part from it makes me think that maybe I feel restless because I left myself there. I went into the trip knowing that I would love the children and love the people, but I underestimated just HOW much I would love them. Their faces and voices evoked inside of me an intensity of love that I was unaware of. Their willingness to listen and their love to sing were inspiring. I lost myself in them somehow and didn't even know it. Leaving them and the friendships that I had built there was one the hardest thing I have ever done. Holding back the tears was harder than I ever thought possible, and knowing that I want to be there at this second but can't is just as hard.
Knowing just how much I love them and how at home I felt with them only feeds into the restless fire that is burning inside me.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, and I can only hope and pray that my years of experience with all sorts of kids and my desire to help and care for people will one day lead me back to Kenya. My heart longs to be back there. So, as I sit here, doing my best to pacify my restless desires, I am going to do everything in my power to give back to those people who changed my life.