Setbacks or a Blessing in Disguise?

I am apologizing right up front, this entry is lengthy. But, feel free to read. Hopefully it will lift your spirits somehow.

I have gone through a lot in the 21 years I have been alive. I have watched my dad, the rock in my life, go through 10 surgeries and still be affected my asthma and COPD (even though he never smoked a day in his life), and I have seen the burden and strain those surgeries have put on my parents and the finances. It's emotionally draining to go through the process of diagnosing, treating, having a surgery, recovery and then turning around to have to do that again only with something else. The stress it has put on the relationship between my mom and dad and then between me, my and my dad is great. Almost 2 years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't seeing my dad go through the pain and the stress it put on my mom. It was too much and I crumbled. I ran, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I fought so hard to stay away from it, to keep away from the pain and the difficult times. I immersed myself in my work and school. I did everything in power to keep a distance from it all. I didn't want to be involved anymore. My mom didn't really have anyone else to talk to about all of it, so I was her person to go to and to vent to. For a while I had tolerated it, but the bitterness built up. 

I never realized it til now, but I had become angry and bitter. Not at anyone in particular but just angry at the whole situation. Why my family? Why so much at one time? I learned a lot about responsible financing and penny pinching. Living like you're super poor had become my way of life because that's how we had to live to stay afloat. Looking back, I think I had grown bitter toward God. I think I felt like he wasn't providing for my family the way he should...well, the way I thought he should. I avoided began to avoid him. I had a full time job that kept me busy and out of church and I had become okay with that. I was unaware of all this at the time which might be hard to believe, but I don't remember ever thinking that God had left me and I don't remember ever deciding to run from him. I think it was something I was slowly doing subconsciously. 

I allowed myself to drift away from the support system of Christian friends and move into the social network of people who looked toward fleshly things to bring temporary healing. The ways of the world had become the thing I would turn to when stressed. For a while I didn't feel guilty about it and rather liked my life. I moved down here to begin new chapter in my life. I wanted to just get a way from everything. Little did I know that you can't just drop everything and run. Things follow you and are attached to you. I had become so used to doing things my way, and I knew how to fool people into thinking everything was fine and that nothing had changed. I'm sure some people could see through the facade but as far as I was concerned everything was just fine...the mask was beginning to fool me. 

I say all this to give a background to what is on my mind. In the past 6 months or so, I have had more medical problems than I care to have at a young age. Medical bills are now on my list of things to think about daily. The things I was running from, and I had thought I had escaped, have come back to haunt me. And because of that I have broken down. I tend to be stubborn. Okay, I am very stubborn. I like doing things my way. I learn the hard way. I have realized that I cannot run from God. He is there every step of the way and will do whatever he can to get our attention. For me, it's filling my plate up with medical issues, the exact thing I have been trying to run from.  It's taken me a very long time to realize that life run by me is a complete disaster full of stress, bitterness, and sadness. That's no life I want to be living. Looking back, I realize that all the issues back home is one way God used to remind my parents that he is the only one who can provide for them. It was a strengthening tool.

At that point, I didn't want to be refined and put through the fire to be shaped and molded. I liked where I was. But, not I realized that that life is stagnant. Trials and testing by fire is the only way that my relationship him is going to grow and develop into something beautiful and magnificent.
So, do I see these medical issues as setbacks? Yeah, I do on occasion. It's not easy hearing that I might develop arthritis or that insurance doesn't pay for things. And, being on my own for the first time, makes the issues seem more drastic than what they truly are. BUT, I have now realized that all this is a way for God to draw me to him, to show me that he cares and that he wants me for his own. So, I am trying to remind myself that these are not end of the world issues, but rather blessings in disguise that will make me into more of the woman I truly want to be.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5