Simple Happiness

I find that little kids can find happiness and amusement out of the littlest things. Even things that we adults see as boring... like toilet paper....

Toilet paper, to a two year old, is apparently a great way to entertain yourself while your sibling is being fed. 

Gotta love it!

My Thing

Everyone has there own "thing" that they turn to when they just need to relax and enjoy themselves. For some, it's a good book, others a bubble bath. There are a few who might turn to shopping, driving, or watching a movie. For me, it's baking. There is something so relaxing and refreshing about baking. From the point of making sure you have all the ingredients to the point of eating that super tasty...and probably very fattening... morsel that you just created.
I am not an amazing baker by any means, but I think that the end products are usually quite tasty. Today, I made cream cheese sugar cookie cutouts (courtesy of my cousin's recipes) and mint chocolate delights (courtesy of a nestle's dark chocolate & mint chip bag). I am not the most organized cook, it's one of the areas of my life that I appear to be unorganized and chaotic in. But, it seems to work for me, so why attempt to change it?
I was rather messy today. But then again, who isn't messy when working with cocoa powder and flour? Let's just say, one should not use the electric hand mixer to blend cocoa powder with eggs and butter! The cocoa powder is close to the same fluffiness as flour, and I know that it's better to mix flour in by hand. Why I didn't think of that when using the cocoa powder? I have no clue!
Looking back at all my times of baking, I have come to see a pattern. Many late nights have been spent listening to music and making a mess of the kitchen. I get so excited about it that I feel like a little kid again (maybe that's why I'm more apt to make a mess!).
This weekend I have a whole list of cookies that I'm going to make, and I can't wait!

Can You Say....Obsessive?!

I have often declared myself OCD and ADD. When it comes to having things cleaned and organized, I have a certain way that I want it and need it done in. I think I got my obsessive cleanliness from my mom. She was always cleaning the house and even though she takes care of kids all day, the house is always neat and tidy. I remember her always sweeping or mopping at night. She also always had a tendency to rearrange furniture. Practically every month she would rearrange the living room and the den. 

I have lived in my apartment for 5 months now, and I have reorganized my closet twice, linens twice, living room 3 times and am currently rearranging furniture in my bedroom. When I was back home, I would have my mom help me because I am bad at envisioning what things would look like before it's finished. Now that I live on my own, it's all trial and error. I have moved my bed and dresser around and have yet to figure out how I like it. So, my bed is currently in very middle of my room and my dresser is in front of my closet. I am currently experiencing a mental block as to where I should put things. 

I am enjoying moving everything around though, but I'm pretty sure that my fellow apartment dwellers don't exactly share that same enjoyment. 

Oh well... off to experiment again!

Holiday Sweet Tooth

I have a soft spot for cookies. Okay, I have a soft spot for anything sweet. I don't just have one sweet tooth that attacks occasionally. I have a whole mouth that always craves something sweet...especially semi-sweet chocolate chips. Mmmm! I love all the smells that I associate with Christmas, most of them being aromas of baked goods.
I am planning on making a bunch of stuff this week to give away to my coworkers, neighbors, and whoever else I see. Here's a list of items I think I am going to make....
Mint Blossoms (like peanut butter blossoms-with the hershey kiss, but minus the peanut butter)
Lemon Bars
Cream Cheese Sugar Cookie Cut Outs
World Peace Cookies with mint chocolate chips
Cherry Kris Kringles
Chocolate Raspberry Fudge
Peppermint Pinwheels
Butter Cookies (easy but so tasty)
Molasses Cookies

Those are just a few ideas... I will probably make a few of them and a few others from years past.
I can't wait!!
Happy Holidays!!

Well worth the energy

The days can go by so quickly, and if you aren't careful, it will be the end of the year before you know it. I have experienced a lot this past year, and I know that it is not over yet, but with the holidays coming up quickly, I don't know if I will get a chance to think, let alone breathe! I have been taking care of two little ones for the past few weeks and have loved every minute of it. Now, there are those moments where you just want to curl up in the bathroom with the door shut and pretend that the noise and mess don't exist, but that would just take the fun out of a day with kids. They aren't at the age where they can get into too much trouble, but they definitely know how to push your buttons. 

I love observing the little girl. At first, she was very shy and cautious of me, but now, she will play with me and bring me books to read. She copies just about everything that I do. She has an elmo that she treats as her baby and whatever I do with her little brother, she does with elmo. It's so cute. She also has this little bag that she tries to stuff everything from her toy cell phone to her baby's bottle to her sunglasses and books in. Earlier today, I was burping her little brother, and she came over and ever so gently tried burping him as well. The love that she has for her brother is so adorable. She's going to be a great big sister. 

The little guy is just starting to roll over and lay on his side. The first few days I had them, I was clicking my tongue and smacking my lips and now whenever he sees me he starts doing it. 

Little kids are just so impressionable at this age. They are like little sponges soaking up as much as they can. I love being a part of this age. The work can be tiresome and you tend to lie in bed that night thinking, will I ever recover? But, the rewards are tremendous and well worth it!

Touch of homesickness

So, there was a part inside of me that was just itching to get out, and I'm sure that everyone knows that feeling I'm talking about. It's that dire need to just get out from underneath another person's rules and just be free, independent! For most, that feeling begins to creep in around age 16 when they get their license, and by 18 that need and desire for freedom has taken over. Some can stand it until there 20s and others may never really feel the need to get out and are quite comfortable with being under someone else's roof. Not me! I was itching to get out well before I was even 13. I can remember at age 10 planning how far I was going to go and where I was going to live. It's not that I didn't like living with my parents, but there was this sense of desire to just be free and capable of doing things my way, having my kitchen my way, and cleaning my way. Okay...that sounds really selfish, and it sort of is, but when you have even the slightest hint of OCD in regards to cleaning and organizing, then it appears perfectly normal. But, needless to say, I remained in my house until I was 21. So much for getting out early. I have always been rather financially independent and responsible and I have taken pride in that. When I turned 18, moving out wasn't an option financially. When 21 came around, it was looking more doable, and to be honest, I am so glad it was.
I moved out as soon as I could, and not just to another neighborhood...to another state! My parents weren't too thrilled, but I was tickled pink for the new adventure. I have been on my own for about 4 months now, and I have been doing pretty well. I haven't really felt homesick...until now. I think it's the holiday season that has begun to tug at my emotions. So many memories revolve around Thanksgiving and Christmas, and the thought of not participating in those traditions kind of breaks my heart. Sure, I will make new traditions with my new family, once that comes along, but until then, what do I do?
Thanksgiving this year wasn't too bad. I went to a friend's house, and they've basically become my family. But, when my mom sent me a video of her and dad getting the tree and then a picture of it decorated, I almost lost it...in Borders! Thankfully, she said that she would be willing to tear it all down just so I could put it back up when I make it home for Christmas! I am so excited about that. I never really thought about all the traditions that I would be leaving behind and left out of until now.
Home is definitely one place I enjoy being at during the holidays...even when there is mass chaos and mom is yelling at the pie crusts she is attempting to make but keep falling apart! It's tradition and I love it!!

My take at craftiness

Every Christmas comes around...obviously, and every year, I run out of ideas as to what sort of gifts to buy for my niece and nephews. They are all very close in age and love the same things so one would think it would be easy. But, I have deemed myself Aunt Becky, the cool aunt, which means I feel an added pressure to get them something slightly unique, or at least super cool according to their standards. This year I have been inspired by a friend to be crafty, but I don't really consider myself to be a very crafty person. So, what's "crafty" yet easy but likeable by most? A tie fleece blanket. Yep, super easy to construct and not that time consuming. The best thing is, you can't really mess up! I will be honest, if the scissors you are using are the slightest bit dull, then this task will be very frustrating to you.
I have made one, am in the process of making the second, and will have two more to complete. I think I might even try to make a pillow with the excess material I have. Guess you could say I'm on a roll!

Just look at the face....

I know that I am not a parent of my own children but I have so many years of experience with kids that I feel like I understand the inner workings of a child and the relationship they have with parents and those in authority over them. I appreciate the child's mind and their desire to be spontaneous, adventurous and free, and, in a way, I also appreciate their strong will and desire to test the boundaries. I mean, without pushing their parent's buttons or testing the boundaries of their teachers or caregivers, they won't really know what's deemed unacceptable. To be honest, when I run across a child who doesn't push the boundaries and test the waters, I begin to wonder why. It's slightly sad to say, but disobedience is something that I expect from children. Of course, not an overabundance, but I think that there is a healthy limit.
What irritates me beyond belief is when there is testing of boundaries and buttons but no discipline. How is the child suppose to learn if there is no correction? I don't mean spanking for every little thing, and I certainly don't mean giving excessive warnings and counting to "3" eight times before taking action. There needs to be clear cut expectations of correction. A child should know that when you say no that you mean business. Give a warning, but after that first warning, take action. When I find kids who know they can wear the adult down if they do something continuously, it makes me cringe inside. I cringe because one...the parent or caretaker can't stand up for what they want to a child and two... the child is learning to view authority as a joke.
Life is not full of warnings. Most of the time, we get a slap on the wrist the first time around. These kids who are growing up thinking there aren't consequences to things or that they can get away with things are going to have a rude awakening.
I have found that when parents have multiple children, there is usually one child who is the instigator, one the follower, and one left in the dust. Often times, it's easy to mistake the one eating the dust as the instigator simply because they didn't figure out how to get out fast enough. The follower generally doesn't get blamed because they were misled. The instigator is normally sly enough to create the problem and slip away fast enough to appear innocent. It's not an easy task, but it's usually relatively easy to figure out which is which by simply looking at one's facial expressions. The instigator tends to have a smirk about them that they cant seem to shake and the one in the dust has a dumb founded look on their face simply because they're trying to figure out what the heck happened. The follower usually is showing a mixture of both faces because they're unsure of how they're going to be viewed.
Kids amaze me. Many people underestimate their perception of adults. They understand a lot more than we think, and they know how to work it to their advantage. Being with kids daily is a challenge, but it's one that I live for. Daily I learn something new from these pint sized human beings, and I am so thankful for their simple understanding of the world.

A child's facial expression tells it all! 

Knee-Prints

I'm doing a Beth Moore's Bible study called Breaking Free with a small group of women from my church. We're only in the second week, but God has spoken to my heart already. So far, we've been talking about 5 benefits that God extends to his children: To know God and believe him, To glorify God, To find satisfaction in God, To experience God's peace, and To enjoy God's presence.
Day 4 of this week focused on experiencing God's peace. Sometimes I feel like I experience bits and pieces of this and wish that I experienced it more. There were two statements that Beth made that really hit me. "God is incapable of making mistakes with our lives." She was talking about submitting to the authority of God and by doing so by being obedient to him. One way of being obedient is by not letting things from the past or present hold us captive. I often think that things I do are such a mistake or I will make a decision that I felt was correct at the time only to realize down the road it was a mistake. But, the fact that God CANNOT make a mistake with my life is so comforting. Everything, no matter what I do, will work out in the end the way he planned it to. I am reminded of just how much grace truly plays a part in my life. Without it, my life would be one huge mistake. I am becoming more and more thankful that God doesn't just throw up his hands in frustration or disgust toward me. He is the ultimate patient parent, and his arms are always there to comfort and hold me when I need it.
The next statement was "The path to peace is paved with knee-prints." We always take about "Footprints" and God carrying us when we were at our lowest, but I think that along our path there should be knee-prints. Not only does it show us humbling ourselves and being reverent to God, but it also brings a sense of peace. I don't know about you, but when I reach my wits end and I can't go any farther, that's when I fall on my knees asking for help. The problem is, I should have been on my knees way before I reached the end. Pride is something that I definitely struggle with. I don't like admitting that I am wrong or need help. I like to think of it as being a strong, independent woman. And, there's nothing wrong with being strong or independent, provided you're still dependent upon God. It is when I achieve so much, in my eyes, that I begin to think that I don't need help and that I have things under control, but in reality, everything is spiraling out of control. I need to swallow my pride daily and get down on my knees asking for his help, his guidance, and his comfort. The only thing I need to do is surrender everything to him.
I have a hard time with that word...surrender. I don't like to think about surrendering to anything because that means I'm giving up and am not strong enough. I view myself as a failure when I surrender to things. But, I'm actually failing when I don't surrender. I'm failing to allow my God, my Savior the pleasure of fighting my battles for me. I am failing to admit his immeasurable love, perfect grace, and overflowing peace. I am being selfish in thinking that I can't be seen as someone who surrenders because that's a sign of weakness, but it's just the opposite. Not surrendering shows weakness, and it undermines the power of God. By me holding onto the things that are keeping me captive and not allowing God to take care of them for me, I am telling God that I don't think he can handle it as well as I can. How ridiculous is that? My strength or willingness to fight is nothing compared to his abilities!
But, he's not going to force me into surrendering. If I want to feel free to enjoy him and his love and his desire for me to be the best that I can be, then I need to get on my knees in that sand and submit to his authority and give up all control. When I finally do that, He's not going to withhold from me his peace or his comfort or his strength. He is ready and willing to lavish me with all that, but I first need to humble myself and admit that I need it and that he is fully capable of handling everything far better than I ever can.

Being Grateful

I think that sometimes when we ask God for something, we automatically assume that he's going to deliver what we expect. I am coming to firmly believe God loves to see the look of surprise on my face followed by the quick glimpse of panic. I have gone from having multiple jobs to no job to tons of interviews to one job followed by more interviews. I am currently faced with a difficult decision of "which one do I do?" I have a heart for kids, I love taking care of them no matter what the ages and I get a sense of peace even in the most chaotic of times when I know I am going to be watching kids. Even when they act up, a smile spreads across my face. I think it's in my blood. My mom always says that the love of kids is in the Peck blood, but I'm pretty sure I get it from her and dad. She's been in a childcare setting for well over 20 years. I remember when I was little thinking I wanted to be a babysitter when I grew up. *chuckles a little*
God has presented me with a lot of different opportunities, and my first reaction was to say "hey, wait a minute! I only wanted one job, not multiple to choose from! What are you doing to me?" Instead, I should be thanking God for being overly generous and then ask him to help me weed through the possibilities. I am so quick to tell him that he has delivered something that I don' want. Thanking him is something that generally doesn't come naturally, but it needs to!

Squirrels

I know that probably the majority of people in this world would look at a squirrel and instantly think about how annoying they are. My parents would be two of those people. They love to hang bird feeders up and entertain birds by the windows for the kids to look at. They get quite irritated when squirrels come pouncing down from the garage roof and land on the tops of the feeders causing the birds to fly off of them as well as the bird food. They have tried the "squirrel proof" feeders and the dome shells to hang over the feeders, but I think that just poses more of a challenge to a squirrel. I, on the other hand, love squirrels. I think that their bushy tail and teeny tiny arms are just too cute. Not only do I think they're cute, but I also find them to be kind of quirky. I love to watch them scamper about.
*Moment of Confession... I am one of those crazy drivers who breaks for these furry little creatures*
I am amused by how they don't just run, they kind of hop and bounce along. I came out of my apartment today and one was sitting on the bottom step and as soon as he saw me he flicked his tail and scurried away as fast as he could. When I was younger, I would try to sneak up on them with the hope of touching one. My attempts paid off one day when I sneaked up on one that was feeding out of the bird feeder (while hanging off of the "squirrel proof" dome my parents had purchased).
While driving to an interview today, I watched one squirrel frantically dig and dig at one spot and just when it looked like he was about to place the nut occupying his mouth into the whole, he looked up, stared at something, flicked his bushy tail and scurried away into a bush. As I was laughing at him, I couldn't help but compare this little animal to myself. I get so easily distracted from things that I can hardly remember what I was thinking about a mere 30 seconds before hand. I spend so much time planning and planning for something or reminding myself to do something but when the time comes to actually do it, I get distracted and scurry off to something else that looks more interesting. Maybe that's why I like squirrels so much, I can relate to them.

The Never Ending Struggle

It is so easy to get caught up in everything that is going on in our lives. I find that days have passed before my eyes and I feel like I've barely blinked. What's worse is that sometimes I feel as if months have flown by without my knowing. I hate thinking about days gone past and not being able to remember certain parts of them. Knowing that a part of my life is just gone and I can't get it back can be kind of daunting. About a year ago, after my cousin passed away from a bad car accident, I kind of realized that life is so short. None of us can ever know when our last day on earth will be. I have always thought of life as something sacred but the day I learned of Lace's passing, my view changed. 

By thinking that life is short doesn't mean that we should go crazy wild and do whatever we would like. We still have to be responsible with what God has given us. It's important to be mindful of how we're spending our time. Each breath that we're take is a gift that we should be more than thankful for. Time is so valuable and is something that we cannot make more of. Maybe that's why I don't like to sit around and be idle. 

I have to be honest though, I haven't exactly done my best at this lately. I am taking two online classes this semester, one anthropology and the other philosophy, and lately I've been neglecting my responsibilities in those classes. I don't do well with sitting down and reading things that I am told I have to read. But, right now, those classes are the two things that are my responsibility, and I need to do the best that I can in those classes. 

It's almost funny the sort of things that can pop into my mind the minute I sit down to work on homework in these classes. My mind can be completely focused on the thought of doing homework all day, but when I sit down to actually do it, my mind goes else where and remains lost there. It's a never ending struggle. Homework isn't the only area I struggle with this. Sitting down to read the Bible or spend time with God is unfortunately just as hard, sometimes harder. It's a struggle, but I'm still willing to fight back.

His timing

Over the past 4 months (the time that I have been on my own down here) I have often found myself questioning the circumstances and situations that I was/am in. At first, I was okay with not having a job because I figured it would take a few weeks to get things rolling. August came and the only job possibility was the one on campus, but it was a work study position that only allows $1000 worth of work over the whole semester. I was not thrilled about that part of the job, but I was happy I had a place to work at. September rolled around and still no other bites on jobs. I had applied to numerous places including retail stores, banks, restaurants, and nanny positions (all of which I have experience in) but nothing came out of any of that. I made sure to dress appropriately when applying, provide my resume, talk to the managers, and call within a week to "check on the status" of the application. September came and went and then we were into October. My confidence on the outside looked in tacked, but on the inside I was questioning my capabilities and skills. I began to think that things were looking quite ominous and I began to panic on the inside. I didn't know where the money to pay m bills would come from and I started to wonder if moving down here was a big mistake. 

October turned into a huge learning month for me. My eyes were opened to the fact that I had been pretending for years that things were okay. I knew what to say to other people to make them think I had things all together and I had begun to convince myself that I had things under control. (If you haven't noticed yet, there's a lot of "I's" in this). Control was in my hands and I thought everything was just fine. And, to the world's standards, things weren't all sunshine and rainbows, but compared to most, things were going great for me. When I hit rock bottom in the end of September, something began to change inside me. My thinking was slowly switching. It was becoming obvious to me that I was fully relying on myself and that's why I was in the disaster that I was. Slowly but surely, God was revealing to me that my life was not on the course that it should be and that things needed to be changed, specifically on who and what I was relying on. It took close to a month, but I think I can say that God has my attention now. My eyes have been opened to the one who is so worth my time. Each day I have a smile on my face because I know that God chose to allow me to experience that day.
His timing is perfect. I know that's so cliche, but it's so true. He orchestrates everything in each of our lives and they way things occur make so much more sense when he is leading us. I know that this post is a little bit repetitive of other posts I've written, but I was reminded of how much God WANTS to provide for me. I finally have a job, and though it is a seasonal position (for now), it's a job none the less. I am so thankful for it!

Step by Step

I have been up since 4 am. Why? You may ask. Well, if I knew, I would love to tell ya. Four hours of sleep isn't exactly my idea of a good night's rest, but my body seems to think otherwise. So, here I am, almost three hours later, wide awake.
It may have something to do with all the thoughts that I have running through my mind. I woke up with a friend on my mind whom I was able to discuss salvation with a few nights ago. Also on my mind was the song by Rich Mullins "Step by Step," you know...the one where you stomp when you say "step by step." I got the thinking about that, and I find it funny that I woke with those two things on my mind. Okay, maybe not the humorous type of funny, but the "hmmm, that's interesting" type of funny. Lately I have just been praying that God will lead me every step of the way, but then I realized that God is oh so very willing to do that. The problem is not in his willingness, but in my desire to actually allow him to lead, meaning I would have to follow. I have to be honest with you, following isn't exactly my forte. I'm more of a "take life by the horns and get things done" kind of a girl. I do not deal well with having to sit and wait and allow someone else to take the lead. I am so quick to jump at every opportunity to abandon ship and go my own way that I think will get things done and over with more quickly. My lack of patience and over obsessiveness to control things is probably why I am where I am right now, still no job! It is definitely not the position that I want myself to be in, and I have tried so many times to change that and when I realized I couldn't, I "gave up" and told God he could take over. But, a few weeks ago, I became aware of my worry over this issue of no job. Though I told God that he could take over, I still allowed my mind to obsess over it and become depressed over it. It dawned on me that doing worrying about it is not truly giving the matter over to him. I look at my life, and I can't help but think that God finds my quick to jump, over obsessive habits funny (and probably annoying). I'm sure he says to me (while I am frantically searching for a "short cut"), "Um.... Becky, I thought you were giving this one up to me. The path you're looking for is right here. It would be a whole lot easier if you would just give up your controlling habits and just follow me. The way you're trying to go is just going to take you longer! But, I will wait." I'm sure my bull headed habits of being stubborn is why it takes me so long to figure out that no, my way isn't the right way. Sighs... if only I could remember that daily!
That song keeps playing in my head. Well, mostly just "and step by step you'll lead me, and I will follow you all of my days" I love how God sometimes uses little things such as a snippet from a song to remind me of life lessons.

The only one

We're all searching for something at some point in our lives. I think it varies from person to person and changes as they age. Some are searching for money, possessions, acceptance, pleasure, strength, or love. These things can vary in degree as well. Some want just enough money to be comfortable, others want acceptance to the point of being well known, and for some, they want to find unconditional love. The last thing is something that's hard to find. We, as humans, want to find that person who is going to love us no matter what. That person who is going to be there through thick and thin and there to pick us up when things are at their worst. We can only hope and pray to find someone who is going to accept us as the imperfect being that we are and be willing to stand by us despite our past mistakes and probable future ones.
This has been on my mind a lot today. Too often I look to other humans to fill in the "hole" I think I feel. I know that this "empty" feeling inside will never be filled by other imperfect human beings. So many days have gone by where I wonder why I feel the way I do at times, and then I remember that I'm human, imperfect, and always in need of reminders. I cannot do things on my own and need to ask for help daily, but I find it hard to remember just whom I have to go to in order to get that help. The amazing thing is that no matter how hard headed or stubborn or prideful I am, God is always there and ready with open arms to first comfort me and then to give me the strength that I need. His love for me is unconditional. There's not a single thing that I can do that will ever surprise him, and he's promised me that he will not walk away from me. There's not a single thing that will be thrown my way that will surprise him or that I cannot get through, so long as I have his help.
I have to daily remind myself that He is the only one who is able to give me strength when I need it, carry me when I am weak, comfort me when I am down, make me smile when I need it, and forgive me no matter what I have done. He's the only one who is ever able to fulfill that void, and he's the only one who will always be there waiting for me no matter how many times I turn my back on him.

Complex Minds

The mind is such an incredible tool. We can't really shut it off no matter how hard we try. Along with the mind comes our memories which are normally attached to events or people. And, those people from the past we tend to use as models to compare new people we interact with in the present. I find myself doing this comparison on just about everyone that is in my life, and I don't purposefully do it. It's something that just happens within the first few seconds of meeting someone. Once my mind is triggered, it's hard to stop the flooding memories and quick comparisons of each person's (past and present) smile, demeanor, voice, personality, and likes.
As these comparisons are going on, I am also continuing in the conversation that I am having with this present person, but I am also thinking about memories that are connected to the person whom I am comparing them with.
Along the line of memories, I am fascinated with what can trigger memories. Sometimes it's the faintest smell, a certain flash in someone's eye, a song, a car, the tone of someone's voice, the mention of a place, or the weather. For me, the best memories are usually connected to a song or a smell. I think half of my itunes is attached to a funny memory or one that I cherish. And, I find it funny how the most random smells will trigger something in my mind which leads me down memory lane (a place I find myself visiting often).

Trees

I am found that I am fascinated by trees.  I love to take pictures of them. There’s something about them that makes them look so strong but when the wind blows, they become vulnerable. The storms that they endure either make or break them. I was going through my pictures and found some that I really like. Here’s a few of them….

Gremlins

I have come to almost believe that I have little gremlins following me around wreaking havoc however they can any chance they get. Thanks to them, my life is never monotonous. Just this weekend they showed their presence. Saturday I went to Wal Mart to pick up some things for a pizza some friends and I were making. I pulled in the parking spot, put the car in park, and turned the car off…or so I thought. I grabbed my purse, opened the door and heard a humming noise. After listening to the other cars around me, I realized the humming was coming from me. I put my hand on the steering wheel and felt it vibrating. I panicked thinking I did something wrong. So I put the key back in and tried to turn the car on but because it was already on it wouldn’t do anything. I proceeded to turn the car off again, but still it would not work. I drove home, called the mechanic who so graciously met me at the shop. Needless to say, some wiring that is supposed to be in the car isn’t to communicate from the key to the engine wasn’t working. He did a temporary fix (since part stores weren’t open), showed me what fuse to pull in case it acted up again, and handed me a wrench to use to unhook the battery.
Last night, I got home late and was in the bathroom getting ready for bed. I went to turn the water off but (can you guess?) the hot water wouldn’t shut off. It kept running and running no matter what way I turned the faucet and no matter how hard I turned it, the water kept pouring out. I, again, slightly panicked and called a friend who told me to shut off the valve. Thankfully it worked.

I’m slightly curious as to what might happen next!

"Have Your Way"

This ties in with my previous post. The song by Britt Nicole, "Have Your Way," pretty much sums up where I am and what I am daily reminding myself to do. Take a listen, maybe you'll like it or maybe you won't, but I think the lyrics are rather relevant to a lot of people.

Setbacks or a Blessing in Disguise?

I am apologizing right up front, this entry is lengthy. But, feel free to read. Hopefully it will lift your spirits somehow.

I have gone through a lot in the 21 years I have been alive. I have watched my dad, the rock in my life, go through 10 surgeries and still be affected my asthma and COPD (even though he never smoked a day in his life), and I have seen the burden and strain those surgeries have put on my parents and the finances. It's emotionally draining to go through the process of diagnosing, treating, having a surgery, recovery and then turning around to have to do that again only with something else. The stress it has put on the relationship between my mom and dad and then between me, my and my dad is great. Almost 2 years ago, I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't seeing my dad go through the pain and the stress it put on my mom. It was too much and I crumbled. I ran, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I fought so hard to stay away from it, to keep away from the pain and the difficult times. I immersed myself in my work and school. I did everything in power to keep a distance from it all. I didn't want to be involved anymore. My mom didn't really have anyone else to talk to about all of it, so I was her person to go to and to vent to. For a while I had tolerated it, but the bitterness built up. 

I never realized it til now, but I had become angry and bitter. Not at anyone in particular but just angry at the whole situation. Why my family? Why so much at one time? I learned a lot about responsible financing and penny pinching. Living like you're super poor had become my way of life because that's how we had to live to stay afloat. Looking back, I think I had grown bitter toward God. I think I felt like he wasn't providing for my family the way he should...well, the way I thought he should. I avoided began to avoid him. I had a full time job that kept me busy and out of church and I had become okay with that. I was unaware of all this at the time which might be hard to believe, but I don't remember ever thinking that God had left me and I don't remember ever deciding to run from him. I think it was something I was slowly doing subconsciously. 

I allowed myself to drift away from the support system of Christian friends and move into the social network of people who looked toward fleshly things to bring temporary healing. The ways of the world had become the thing I would turn to when stressed. For a while I didn't feel guilty about it and rather liked my life. I moved down here to begin new chapter in my life. I wanted to just get a way from everything. Little did I know that you can't just drop everything and run. Things follow you and are attached to you. I had become so used to doing things my way, and I knew how to fool people into thinking everything was fine and that nothing had changed. I'm sure some people could see through the facade but as far as I was concerned everything was just fine...the mask was beginning to fool me. 

I say all this to give a background to what is on my mind. In the past 6 months or so, I have had more medical problems than I care to have at a young age. Medical bills are now on my list of things to think about daily. The things I was running from, and I had thought I had escaped, have come back to haunt me. And because of that I have broken down. I tend to be stubborn. Okay, I am very stubborn. I like doing things my way. I learn the hard way. I have realized that I cannot run from God. He is there every step of the way and will do whatever he can to get our attention. For me, it's filling my plate up with medical issues, the exact thing I have been trying to run from.  It's taken me a very long time to realize that life run by me is a complete disaster full of stress, bitterness, and sadness. That's no life I want to be living. Looking back, I realize that all the issues back home is one way God used to remind my parents that he is the only one who can provide for them. It was a strengthening tool.

At that point, I didn't want to be refined and put through the fire to be shaped and molded. I liked where I was. But, not I realized that that life is stagnant. Trials and testing by fire is the only way that my relationship him is going to grow and develop into something beautiful and magnificent.
So, do I see these medical issues as setbacks? Yeah, I do on occasion. It's not easy hearing that I might develop arthritis or that insurance doesn't pay for things. And, being on my own for the first time, makes the issues seem more drastic than what they truly are. BUT, I have now realized that all this is a way for God to draw me to him, to show me that he cares and that he wants me for his own. So, I am trying to remind myself that these are not end of the world issues, but rather blessings in disguise that will make me into more of the woman I truly want to be.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Critters

Now, I would never consider myself a city girl. I can handle just about anything you throw my way. Spiders, snakes, scorpions, ants, worms, large animals, mice, rats (even naked mole rats) I can handle with no creepy crawly skin side affects, but you put one cockroach, centipede, or millipede in my path (dead or alive) and I will be flapping my hands, dancing on my toes and running to the nearest toilet, bed, or chair to get away from them!
I have lived in the south for about 3 months now, and I have killed 1 centipede & 3 cockroaches and see cockroaches scurrying about the path at night when I go out to my car or the dumpster. To say that I abhor these multiple legged critters would be the understatement of the century! They're absolutely disgusting. I am a very clean, neat, and organized person. I don't like filth, dust, or clutter. I take pride in cleaning each and ever room...so much so that I even mop and dry my hardwood floors by hand (yes, on my hands and knees, scrubbing!). So you can imagine my disgust when I had these critters in my apartment. This last time, tonight, when our paths crossed, I had gone into my bathroom, opened up the medicine cabinet and felt something hit the back of my head. I looked around and saw nothing. So, being the curious person that I am, I turned the light on to investigate. And, to my unpleasant surprise this brown thing of the devil scurried toward my up onto my foot. I screamed flapped my arms (as if I hopefully would fly away) and danced about before hopping up on the toilet. After gaining my composure, I ran to the kitchen-still doing the "icky gross it touched me" dance- and grabbed my clog and the bottle of 409. I went back into the kitchen took a deep breath closed the door and began to douse the evil critter. I chased it behind the toilet and back out before it finally stopped moving which is when I squished it with my clog.
After taking out my revenge on the "thing" I ran to the nearest Wal Mart, picked up some Raid, came home and proceeded to spray every crevice and cranny in my whole apartment. And, you can bet that my landlord will hear from me. The pest guy was here last month and I think it's time for another visit.
Some might just say, welcome to the south! But, I think this is a little excessive!!!
*Shutters with disgust*
...and just so you know, all events are written with total accuracy!

Changing of Seasons

I think sometimes I take for granted the beauty of each season. I tend to be the girl who is freezing even in the summer, so I naturally appreciate summer more than the other seasons. But, as I sit here at my dining room table looking out my window, I can't help but notice the amazing colors that the trees are beginning to show. I find it amazing that a tree once crisp green can produce bright reds, golden yellows, and glowing orange hues. It's almost breath taking. I am sitting here wishing I was back home in the finger lakes region of New York because the fall colors are displayed throughout the surrounding hills and mountains.
I look at these colors and am so thankful that the Creator of this world is so artistic. Not only does he make the trees beautiful colors in different seasons, but he also has made birds with different songs, animals with different quirks, and humans with different personalities, and each thing, in their own way is beautiful and perfect in his eye. That perfection includes me. I, like most, sometimes second guess my beauty. I am so thankful that the God of this universe views me as perfect. Just looking at the beauty of his creation I am reminded that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. The world may see imperfections, but to Him, there are no imperfections. To Him, I am his beautiful daughter that he chose to form and develop.

Leaves starting to change in NC

Flowers and trees budding in spring

Summer crispness

Back home in the winter

I love the change of seasons, although, I will be honest, I do NOT like the cold weather that comes with it!

Friends

I can only hope that everyone gets to experience the beauty of friendship. They're the ones who get me through some of the crappy, crazed, foggy days of my life. Without them, my thoughts would truly get the best of me. As a little girl, I had friends at school and friends at church, and I thought that those friendships would always last, but the reality is that people grow up, change, and move on. Some are lucky enough to remain friends with their childhood buddies, but others experience the feeling of losing something that was important. For me, the latter was the case. I experienced it quite a few times actually. First time was around age 6, second 8, then 11, 15, and 18. Looking back, I have realized I took it all very personally. Most of the reasons the friendship ended was because the person moved, switched schools, or graduated and took a different path than I. Other reasons were because we just grew to be different, not in a bad way, but just in a way that didn't mesh with the other very well. And, there's nothing wrong with that. It happens quite often. About 2 weeks ago, I realized I have removed myself from truly getting to know others because I was afraid that all attempts to remain friends would be futile. I cherish friendship so much, but at the same time, I'm almost afraid of it. I was talking to my friend Dani, and I realized that she's the one friend who moved away that I am still friends with. We were roommates for the summer before she got married. She moved to NC after getting married, and I was again, short a friend. Because of past experiences, I just sort of assumed that we wouldn't stay close so I didn't attempt to stay in touch. In a way, she felt the same way, and yet, here we are attempting to spend every weekend together because we are such great friends. We get each other (which can take quite a bit of effort) and were both quirky and spunky enough to feed off of each other's energy. I am so thankful that our friendship didn't die and look forward to the adventures that lie ahead.

It's the craziness that glues us together

To soothe my soul, calm my nerves, and clear my thoughts...

Writing, it's the way I clear out the congestion that's inside my head. There's something refreshing about seeing my thoughts written out on paper. It almost makes some of the more pressing matters seem less stressful. It's also kind of nice to look back and read what I wrote when I was in junior high/high school. Most of it is more on the comical side, but there are some things that are just as relevant now as they were then. To me, writing, whether it's a book, letter, scattered thoughts, or a journal entry, is a way to freeze a little piece of time.
Writing doesn't necessarily calm my nerves. For that I hop in my car and drive. Take a left here, a right there, go straight for a few miles, and then wonder "where the heck am I?" To some that is more like a recipe for disaster and wasted gas, but to me it's how I relax. Something about driving aimlessly and exploring new areas gets my mind off of whatever was bothering me and replaces it with an adventure.
What calms you down and clears your mind?